Evangelion Unplugged
by Renegade4
Summary: Action! Adventure! Gunfights! Asuka at Burger King! Columbian cartels! Bum jokes! DJ Croft! Psychic powers! Shinji and Pen-Pen, drug lords! Puerile humour! The adult film industry! Meemits! Clone armies! Rei mailed to Iceland! Inter-species gang warfare!
1. Act 01

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E V A N G E L I O N  +  U N P L U G G E D

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By RENEGADE:  renegade_y2j@hotmail.com

**ACT 01: HANG ON SHINJI, LET ME SWITCH ON THE PART OF MY BRAIN THAT CARES**

Like many sensible things, the story started at the beginning.

It was Wednesday, one o'clock. Misato was at home by herself, drinking beer and watching _Survivor_.

"The tribe has spoken," Jeff Probst proclaimed gravely, smothering the losing contestant's flame with a coconut shell. "You have ten seconds to make good your escape."

The man didn't get far. The remaining players, all starving, pounced on the man and plunged him into the cauldron of boiling water. Misato reflected on _Survivor_'s increased popularity ever since the producers had upped the stakes by refusing the contestants any kind of food, water, adequate shelter or warmth whatsoever and landing all the losers into the cooking pot.

"Out of the frying pan and into the fire," the NERV Major commented as the man's screams faded into a commercial about mouthwash.

She rose to her feet and, like a military SCUD missile headed straight for a children's hospital, she aimed directly for the fridge. Opening it, she revealed her own personal alcoholic treasure trove, a hoard that would put Smaug of the Lonely Mountain to shame.

She glanced about. "All right," she snapped, planting her hands on her hips. "I'm Major Misato Katsuragi of NERV and I've had several reports of Yebisu-related disturbances in this area. I'm going to have to take you into custody."

She grabbed an armful of beer, cracked open several at once and poured the liquid down her throat. "No," she growled at the beer as if in reply to an unheard question. "You _don't _get a trial. I'm judge, jury and executioner. And you're guilty, Yebisu scum!"

She downed another.

Suddenly the telephone rang and Misato sighed, disliking being interrupted from her Yebisu fantasies. She tossed her beer can over her shoulder and out the window, brutally blasting a hapless sparrow from its perch in a storm of feathers. It plummeted ten stories to the ground, unconscious, and landed humourously in an open manhole cover.

Misato picked up the receiver. "Hello?"

Makoto Hyuga was sweating heavily and frantically slamming his fingers down on the buttons of his MAGI terminal, alarms wailing in his ears and klaxons blaring angrily at him from all sides. His desperately writhing figure was bathed in a pulsing, sickly red light and there was smoke pouring and sparks spitting and hissing at him from his workstation. The words TERMINAL SHUTDOWN--YOUR DEATH IMMINENT scrolled across the screen in blood red letters before his terrified eyes.

"Major Katsuragi!" Hyuga screamed into the telephone. "My God, why aren't you at work!? We're all about to die!!"

"Oh, hello Hyuga," Misato said.

"Jesus Christ, Major!" Hyuga shrieked in terror as an ominous countdown began, accompanied by an impressive, yet probably unnecessarily sinister booming voice: TEN…. NINE… EIGHT… "Where in the holy name of sweet Jesus and Mary are you!"

Misato cracked open another beer and took a sip. "I'm at home, silly. I decided to blow work off today."

"_What_!?" Hyuga choked out in a hysterical voice, flames beginning to lick at him from the computer. The walls around him began to vibrate with an extremely disturbing whine. The whole room began to shake. SEVEN… SIX… FIVE… "Major, for the love of God, you _have to help me!!_"

"Isn't there anyone else in Central Dogma who can help you?" Misato asked pleasantly.

Hyuga paused for a moment and glanced about him. The whole complex was empty. "There's no-one else in sight!" FOUR… THREE… Pipes and heavy machinery groaned and wrenched themselves away from the ceiling and crashed to the floor, missing the tech by inches. Steam began to hiss at him from all directions, making him splutter helplessly.

"Well, sorry Hyuga," Misato sighed, tapping her beer can idly as she cradled the phone in the crook of her neck. "I'm having a sickie today."

"Dear God, I'm about to _die!" Hyuga's insane, trembling voice matched his wild, haunted eyes, locked on the readout that said DEATH PREDICTION: HIDEOUS. "Then I have to tell you something, Major Katsuragi!"_

"All right, then, Hyuga, I'll talk to you later," Misato said absently.

TWO… ONE…

"Major! I love -"

*click*

Misato sighed again. Hyuga was a nice guy, but she really wasn't in the mood to baby him all the time. She dropped her beer to the floor and lazily watched the contents spill out, forever ruining the carpet Shinji had fussily imported for four hundred thousand yen and installed all by himself over a back-breaking, soul-destroying three week period.

Sadly, the carpet was about to become irrelevant in the grand scheme of things, because soon it would meet an agonizing and fiery doom. Unbeknownst to Misato, Pen-Pen had spent the morning behind the couch lighting pretty little fires.

Glancing warily over his shoulders, the arctic waterfowl felt his heart thumping as he pulled out another match. Holding his breath in anticipation, he struck it and stared in rapt attention as the beautiful little spark danced and writhed. Pen-Pen felt his arousal grow as his mind clouded in a hedonistic swirl and a particular part of his avian anatomy began to swell when the licking flames grew brighter.

Pen-Pen was a very disturbed little bird.

He swallowed carefully, not wanting to harm the flame… the flame was so beautiful… it must never die…__

Yes. Pen-Pen was in love with the flame.

Then he accidentally dropped it and the effect was similar to napalm on a Vietnamese peasant's crops. Before the bird could even quell his thermal expansion, flames thundered and crackled up the walls and across the floor, devouring everything in sight.

*          *            *

Meanwhile, at a certain Tokyo-3 school, classes had just ended for the day.

"Class dismissed," croaked the ancient sensei as he lay back down and feebly pulled the coffin lid over him like a blanket.

"Okay everyone, seeya!" called Hikari Horaki brightly, having already done her class rep routine. 

"Goodbye, sensei!" smiled Asuka Langley Sohryu as she walked past the coffin, giving it a sharp rap on the lid. "See you tomorrow!"

"Go away!" the living corpse within it groaned pitiably, fervently wishing for a freak viral outbreak to strike the classroom like the hammer of God. "I hate my life!"

The students wandered out. Asuka turned to her companion, Shinji Ikari and grabbed his ear in a vicelike grip.

"So, slimebag, what are you doing tonight?"

Shinji pondered the answer as Asuka twisted his ears, squirting blood and pus all over the footpath.

"Homework, I guess."

"You're so _boring_, Ikari," Asuka snorted, flicking her red hair over her shoulder, lashing Shinji painfully across the face in a movement that left him many deep, bloody cuts.

"Come on, I'm sure Shinji can be interesting when he wants to be," chided Hikari, coming up behind them with Touji Suzahara and Kensuke Aida.

"Oh sure he can!" retorted Asuka sarcastically, quick as lightning whipping her hand and clasping a passing fly between her fingers.

"Damn," it cursed, struggling valiantly but to no avail.

Asuka casually started pulling the wings off the screaming bug's back. "Ikari's about as much fun as an instruction manual!"

"He is not!" frowned Kensuke, pushing his glasses up his nose. He had lovingly added a fresh Band-Aid to the bridge between the lenses just this morning, as well as four new ballpoint pens to his right shirt pocket. "I've read some great instruction manuals…"

"Hey!" interrupted Shinji, annoyed as he pulled an instant ramen cup from his schoolbag. "I've been known to have fun before! Excitement practically follows me around like a fart at a party."

"Oh, _really_?" sneered Asuka, cocking her head on the side and accidentally twisting one of the fly's legs off, causing it to bellow in agony. "Okay, make a joke then, Third Child!"

Shinji muttered and absently used his chopsticks to poke at the cup of overcooked ramen. Asuka snickered victoriously and, detaching the maimed body of the insect from her fingertips, she flicked it into her companion's meal. Shinji sighed sadly, and knowing that he could not win these confrontations, just continued to eat.

"Oh Jesus, _nooo_!" cried the pitiful voice of the fly as it was ground between Shinji's teeth.

"See?" Asuka said smugly, crossing her arms as the group walked. "He's too lame to do anything fun."

Shinji glared at her with yellowed, bloodshot eyes reminiscent of the Nemesis from Resident Evil 3. The Third Child muttered again under his breath, just loud enough for Asuka to catch it.

"Mm_whatwasthat_?" she screeched, spinning to face him. Embarrassed, Shinji coughed, sending the fly shooting down onto the concrete footpath, where it lay moaning just before Asuka brought the full force of her heel down onto it. There was a _crunch and a roar of pain._

"What-did-you-say?" Asuka said dangerously, narrowing her eyes.

"He called you a cat boner," Touji supplied helpfully, turning smugly to face her. He had his trouser zipper down halfway and had stuck his finger down his pants and through the hole. He had been amusing himself with this all day.

"I _know _he called me a cat boner!" Asuka yelled angrily, planting her hands on her hips. "_Why?"_

Nervously, Shinji looked for a way out as Asuka advanced upon him. "I… um… hey, I thought of a joke!" he tried weakly.

Asuka's eyes narrowed.

"Well… um… there's a penguin. And he's driving his car but it breaks down, right?"

"Yeah," prompted Touji.

"And he takes it to the repair place. The penguin says to the guy, 'You fix my car. I'm going to the shop.' So the penguin leaves his car and goes to the mall, where he has an ice cream. He doesn't know but he gets a bit of it on his beak."

Asuka tapped her foot impatiently.

"So," Shinji went on hurriedly, "the penguin goes back to the repair shop and says to the mechanic, 'You fixed my car? And the mechanic says to him, 'Looks like you blew a seal.' So the penguin wipes his mouth and says, 'No, it's just a little ice cream.'"

There was a heavy silence. Then came a feeble laugh. Five pairs of eyes went to the brutalized fly on the footpath.

"Heh, heh, heh…" it chuckled weakly before it's eyes darted upwards. "Noo!"  it screamed in terror as Asuka pointed a match and a deodorant can at it before bathing the wretch in flames. The tiny insect rolled around on the ground, howling in torment, suffering horribly.

"I've heard that one before," snarled Asuka, and continued to walk.

"Mmm. That was as weak as a baby fart, Ikari," Kensuke said wisely.

"Like you could do better," snorted Asuka.

"I could," Kensuke retorted defensively.

The redhead grinned savagely at the thought of breaching the walls of Fort Kensuke and slaughtering the natives living there. "I'll bet you three day's pay that you can't make me laugh."

Kensuke cackled evilly as he realised he had a chance at sinking the SS Asuka with an Aida-powered torpedo – he didn't have a job, so there was no way he could lose. Like a lamb to the slaughter, he took the bait.

"You're on," he said.

"So let's hear the joke," Asuka demanded.

"Hmm. Okay. This'll blow your mind. Two peanuts are walking down the street, right? One was assaulted… peanut."

The silence was so deafening it drowned out all the other noise.

"Shit," cursed Kensuke. "I thought that was funny as hell."

"Three days pay," said Asuka smugly. "I intend on collecting."

"Of course," Kensuke replied innocently, congratulating himself on his secret victory.

"So, Shinji," Touji said cheerfully, spinning to face him as he thrust out his groin. He curled his finger up and stretched it out again, grinning.

Shinji stared at it coldly. "_Yes?"_

"Are you coming out with me and Kensuke later? He says he has something to show us."

"Sure," the Third Child shrugged.

"Can't you give us a hint as to what it is?" Touji said with a frown, moving over to his shorter friend and stroking his upper leg with the… finger… sticking through his zipper.

"Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing!?" Kensuke yelled in a huff, waving away the roving appendage. It went limp in disappointment. "I'm not telling, all right? It's a surprise!"

"A surprise?" repeated Hikari brightly. "Can I come and see it?"

Touji's finger instantly went stiff again.

"Nah." Asuka nudged her knowingly. "We should go shopping at the mall."

"Yeah, okay," Hikari agreed.

The finger went so limp so quickly it was almost depressing. Shinji tore his eyes away from the spectacle and for the first time noticed smoke rising in the distance. He frowned.

*          *            *

The group arrived at Misato's flat to find that it now resembled Ritsuko's ashtray on a larger scale, minus any gigantic cigarettes. The Major herself was standing out on the street holding a sack, with a few onlookers nearby as well as some firemen who were valiantly trying to hose down the roaring flames that engulfed their apartment. Misato was eyeing them lecherously.

"Misato! What the hell happened?" screamed Asuka madly as they ran up.

"There's a fire," her guardian replied unnecessarily, before grinning. "But don't worry. I got all of our important stuff out in time!" She indicated the sack.

"Oh, good," Asuka sighed in relief. "Have you got my Warhammer 40,000 Chaos World Eater Khorne Berserker army, led by G'Grual the Painbringer?"

"Er…" began Misato.

"And my Russell Crowe Perfect DVD Collection?" added Shinji.

"Well…"

"And my favourite English Premier League video, the one where Manchester United loses 6-3 to Southampton?" continued Asuka.

"Um…"

"And my _Goosebumps _books?" put in Shinji. Asuka glanced over at him disgustedly.

"Why do you read those lame books?" she snorted.

"Well, the _Fear Street_ series is for older teens, due to low violence and mild sexual references," Shinji pondered. He looked up, annoyed. "And anyway, _Goosebumps is a fine series of complex literature that's rich in themes and style for any serious connoisseur of the horror genre…"_

"Hmm, yes, _How I Got My Shrunken Head_ really makes R.L. Stine look like today's Edgar Allan Poe or H.P. Lovecraft, doesn't it?" Asuka asked sarcastically. "The eternal question: should you read _The Lurker at the Threshold _or _Revenge of the Snowman_?" She turned away and began rummaging through Misato's sack.

"That one was really scary!" Shinji cried, breaking out into a cold sweat just from thinking about it.

"Um… before you do that…" Misato tried weakly.

"Well, there's two hundred pairs of bras and panties, some NERV-issue uniforms, a whole bunch of frilly and revealing clothes, a booklet of vouchers redeemable for Yebisu, romance novels, a laptop, a slightly irate warm-water penguin…" Asuka narrowed her eyes. "In fact, if I didn't know better, this whole sack is filled with _your belongings, Misato."_

"Rubbish," Misato huffed quickly. "It's filled with the bare essentials of living, nothing more. It's all I could save."

"The bare essentials?" Asuka echoed incredulously. "Misato, I really don't think that _The Millionaire's Seduction_ is a requirement of basic human survival!"

"You could have made a better effort…" Shinji whined, wistfully calling up fond memories of Russell Crowe and R.L. Stine.

"I can't do everything. Who do I look like, Optimus Prime?" snapped Misato.

"Well, in _Beast Wars_ he _was _a gorilla," snickered Asuka.

"Hey!"

"Look, let's forget about it now," interjected Shinji, the eternal mediator. "Where are we going to live?"

"All right, so maybe Optimus Prime was a bad choice of words," Misato said crossly, ignoring him. "How about… Starscream?"

Asuka grinned wickedly and brandished a fireman's axe. "Much better, I see the relevance now. After all, he died in _The Transformers Movie..."_

"Bumblebee?" Misato said quickly.

"He was just a dweeb Volkswagen," Asuka frowned as she jerked her thumb over her shoulder at her companion. "Shinji would be better as Bumblebee."

"Then you're Soundwave," Shinji muttered under his breath.

"_Whaaat_!?"

"Maybe I should call Ritsuko," Misato said.

*          *            *

When the telephone started to ring, Doctor Ritsuko Akagi grumbled as she released her hold on the latest Rei clone, cursing as it slithered gleefully into the sink and down the plughole.

"Damn, it's free!" she snarled, wiping her hands on a teatowel as the Rei clone's echoing laughter drifted back up the drain and into her ears. "Well, I hope it likes its freedom brown and sludgy, because that pipe links up to the sewerage drain."

A smug grin crept over her face as the clone's dismayed cry floated back up to her, followed by a very wet sounding splat. She turned and picked up the phone. "Hello?"

"Hey, Ritsu! It's me."

"Oh... Misato. Hi."

"Watcha doin'?"

"Just dropped a clone down the plughole," Ritsuko sighed.

"Uh?" Misato sounded confused.

"Was there something you wanted?" the scientist asked irritably.

"Yeah... um... I have some bad news."

*          *            *

"I can't believe you'd be so irresponsible!" Ritsuko fumed as she stamped around the NERV cafeteria. Shinji and Asuka were seated side by side at a table with Pen-Pen, watching her warily. Misato looked suitably abashed.

"I'm sorry," Misato sighed dully.

"How could you be such a... such a... _cat boner!?" she exploded. Asuka started in recognition of the strange insult._

"I'm sorry," Misato said again. "I don't know how it happened." She didn't notice Pen-Pen's guilty look.

Ritsuko narrowed her eyes and sighed. "Well, come with me."

She led the troupe through the winding corridors. They passed several nondescript offices, some vending machines and a couple of cloning tanks that were home to creatures that vaguely resembled a cross between Paul Shaeffer from the CBS Orchestra and the Ugnaughts from _Star Wars._

Shinji glanced at a sign that had a smiling scientist on it and a tagline that read _NERV - a friendly and easygoing organisation!_ and another right next to it with a cold-eyed soldier wielding a machinegun in one hand and a ghurka knife with a human spine hanging off it in the other, and a tagline reading _No trespassing, violators will be killed indiscriminately._

"Right here," Ritsuko said, opening the door that led to the huge chamber that housed the MAGI supercomputers.

"Oh, _Semmm_-pai, is that _you_-ou?" called Maya Ibuki in a singsong voice from an her workstation.

Ritsuko didn't even spare her a glance. She stormed over and planted herself in front of a MAGI terminal. "Maya!" she snapped. "Someone's put all these flowers and chocolates and crap on my desk! Throw them out right away! They'll get in the way of my..." here she stopped and sighed sensually, running her hands smoothly down her body. "_Tests."_

"Okay, Sempai," Maya grumbled, snatching away the brightly coloured flora and the nougat-filled candy.

"Oh... take these too," Ritsuko added absently, passing her slightly disgruntled assistant some large, heart-shaped balloons that said _Sempai, Will U B Mine??_

"Of course," grated Maya, grabbing the offending objects and stamping out of the room, pushing past a surprised Shinji and Asuka.

"Okay," Ritsuko said, turning around. "MAGI! Coffee, black, twelve sugars!" There was a whir, the sound of gears grinding and engines thrumming, and soon a little trapdoor on the workstation opened and a paper cup filled with coffee ascended from the depths of the MAGI's operating system.

"Neat," commented Shinji.

"Technology of God in action," agreed Ritsuko, sipping her coffee. "Ah. I like my coffee like I like my men."

"What... hot, strong and sweet?" Misato winked knowingly.

Ritsuko frowned. "No. Ground into powder and liquefied."

"Oh," Misato said carefully.

"Right," Ritsuko said directly, fingers flying across the keyboard. "I'll see if I can find you an empty apartment nearby."

"Thanks, Ritsu," Misato said gratefully as Maya slunk back into the room and pretended to look at some reports.

"Here's one!" the blonde woman said.

"Ooh, let me see!" Maya exclaimed, leaning _waaay over Ritsuko's shoulder._

"Go away, Maya!" frowned Ritsuko. "Misato, look at this."

The Major hummed dubiously as Shinji and Asuka peered over her shoulder. "I don't know..."

"It looks like a crack house!" snorted Asuka. "No way are we moving in there!"

"All right," nodded Ritsuko. She quickly jabbed the Enter key several times as Maya stared at the keyboard jealously. "How about this one?"

"Hey, that one's nice!" Misato beamed as she saw the image appear. Shinji, Asuka and Pen-Pen nodded approvingly.

"Good. Can you afford it?"

"How much is it?"

Ritsuko tapped a few more keys and a figure appeared on screen.

Misato's smile flickered for just a moment.

The scientist narrowed her eyes. "How much do you have?"

Desperately, Misato forced her smile to remain in place.

"I see." Ritsuko sighed heavily. "Maybe you should ask the Commander for a NERV grant."

"Hey, yeah!" Misato brightened.

*          *            *

Misato opened the door that led to the dimly lit interior of the Commander's office. The giant logo glowed in the semi-darkness: NERB. A typing error in the NERV construction plans had led to this misprint being repeated all over the Geo-Front. 

"...and that's why you'll never make full Commander, Fuyutsuki," Gendo Ikari was explaining casually. He was seated in his trademark ergonomic Commander's posture.

Kouzou Fuyutsuki gnashed his teeth. "Yes, sir," he ground out. He was standing behind Ikari, not actually doing anything but doubtless he was significant in the grand scheme of things anyway. "Sir... Major Katsuragi is here."

"Ah. Major." Ikari quickly slipped on his white gloves to hide both the Angel embryo embedded in his hand and his red nail polish. He also crossed his fingers in front of his face, masking his lipstick. "What is it?"

"Commander," Misato said woodenly. "Please look at this." She slid a sheet of A4 paper across the desk towards the Commander, who picked it up and scanned it.

"Interesting," he commented. "Futski, what do you make of this?"

"It's _Fuyutsuki_, sir," the elderly man reminded his superior, fighting to keep his voice steady. He leaned over Ikari's shoulder, wishing he hadn't put the g-string on earlier, and raised his eyebrows as he snatched the paper and gazed at it. "Hmm. You've burned your flat down? And you need money?"

"Yes, sir," Misato nodded.

Fuyutsuki snorted. "What are you, some kind of communist? There's no 'equal share for everyone' around here, Major Katsuragi. This is NERV. Take your evil beliefs back to Australia or wherever, you godless Red..."

Misato stared straight ahead, choosing not to remark to that. "I was under the impression that employees could gain some kind of benefit, sir..."

"It is true that we have a large savings account for such emergencies," Gendo commented casually. "A metaphorical sock under the grimy, lice-ridden mattress that is NERB."

"NERV," hissed his subordinate.

"However," Ikari continued, ignoring him, "I believe that Fuyutsuki here has been sneaking small amounts out of it every now and again. Buying sweets and so forth."

"No I bloody well didn't!" Fuyutsuki replied hotly.

"Did."

"_Didn't_!"

"I am not playing this game," Gendo told him sternly. "Trust me, Fuyutsuki, if NERB…"

"NERV."

"…_was_ communist, my secret police would have had you disappear long ago for your heinous crimes."

Fuyutsuki blinked. "But we _have secret police."_

Gendo frowned. "I'm sorry?"

"Those men with the black shades and suits and guns that walk around being gruff and ominous...?"

Ikari snorted. "I believe that is their idea of 'under cover'. They are journalists. Ever since Bill Gates got down on one knee and proposed to MAGI Balthasar they've been all over the place, looking for pictures. Typical paparazzi."

The older man snickered. "Ah yes. Was _that part of your scenario, Ikari? The old men at SEELE sure won't be happy with..."_

"Yes, yes, I know," the Commander interrupted irritably. "You say that exact line every time an Angel attacks or an Eva goes berserk. I _think_ I have the general gist of it now, thank you."

Fuyutsuki muttered sulkily to himself.

"And yes, it _is_ in my scenario. As soon as Balthasar and Gates marry, I will have digital photos released to the press of him cheating, they will divorce, and we will demand a payout from Microsoft."

Fuyutsuki laughed grimly. "So which PC has he been cheating with? I know he has a thing for Pentiums..."

Shaking his head, Ikari spoke with satisfaction evident in his voice. "Not at all. Hewlett-Packard with a ten-gig hard drive, overclocked..."

"My God..."

Ikari nodded. "Yes, he's quite the player, isn't he?"

"Even with a babe as hot as Balthasar. I mean it can process a _trillion _commands a second."

"Oh yes, Mr Bill Gates actually has quite a dark side to him. Though I hear he doesn't have much of a hard drive himself."

"Oh?"

"Yes, he apparently gives new meaning to the term three-and-a-half inch floppy..."

Misato listened in despair as the conversation took ever more bizarre twists and turns. "Um... sirs?" she ventured. "About the money...?"

"Oh yes," frowned Ikari as he turned to his direct subordinate. "Well, if it wasn't sweets, what did you spend it on, then?"

"Beer and hookers," explained Fuyutsuki.

"I see," Ikari said through narrowed eyes, then shrugged. "Fair enough." He turned to Misato. "There is your answer, Major. You cannot have any of NERV's money on account of Vice Commander Fuyutsuki needing it for his boozing and whoring."

Misato swallowed nervously. "Yes... sir... um... are you sure that I couldn't have just a little bit...?"

"Get out!" shrieked the Commander in a high-pitched voice, leaping to his feet and waving his hands.

"Sir!" Misato quickly dashed from the room.

The two Commanders watched her go.

"This was _not_ in the scenario," Ikari remarked coolly as he 'assumed the position' beneath the NERB logo once again.

"Oh shut up, you sissy," Fuyutsuki sighed. "I'm going to see Amber..."

*          *            *

"Hum," hummed Ritsuko hummingly. "Well, if NERV isn't going to help, you have no choice but to move into this house."

She moved the cursor around, giving her three onlookers a 3-D tour of the place.

"But it's a slum!" yelled Asuka angrily.

"It's not very nice," agreed Shinji sadly. "There's a four-foot cockroach arm-wrestling a giant rat at the table, look..."

"And they're drinking beer and blood out of human skulls," added Misato.

"And why are they all walking around on two feet?" asked Asuka suspiciously.

Pen-Pen looked understandably nervous over the concept of an insect that was larger than he was. As they watched, a violent brawl broke out between the cockroaches and rats.

"Oh knock it off," Ritsuko snapped. "Look, it was previously rented to a Russian man named Boris Saronovich."

"What happened to him?"

"He died horribly in... um... unexplained circumstances. He _did_ have ties to the Russian Mafia."

"Ritsu, we _can't_ live in there!" cried Misato miserably. "It's so... icky! Look, there's another rat wearing a leather jacket and _urinating_ on the couch! And _laughing_!"

"Well, you have to live somewhere and this is all you can afford," the scientist said firmly. "I suggest you all get menial, demeaning jobs and earn enough money to rebuild your old place."

"Isn't there any builders in NERB? Er… I mean, _NERV_?" Misato ploughed on desperately. "Someone who can help us build again?"

"Sorry," Ritsuko said smugly. "There's no-one. And anyway, the only tools around here are you three."

The doctor was summarily bathed in the hot breath of her three companions as they released a huge, miserable, collective sigh.

Suddenly, the door swung open and a haggard figure stumbled out.

"Hyuga!" snapped Ritsuko. "Where the hell have you been?"

"Fire... pain... MAGI... damage... madness..." babbled the deranged computer tech, but then he saw Misato. "Major!" he yelled, quickly standing up straight and saluting, his insanity evaporating.

"Oh, hi Aoba," Misato said absently, leaning over her friend's shoulder to input a few commands into the keyboard.

"Er... Hyuga..."

"No, I'm Misato." The Major looked up irritably, a frown creasing her brow. "NERV cannot afford that type of incompetence, Lieutenant. I'm docking half your pay this month."

"Yes, ma'am." Hyuga sagged miserably.

"What was that problem you had this morning, Hyuga?" Ritsuko inquired vaguely, refilling her coffee.

"Oh yes, the MAGI went crazy and almost blew up the Geo Front." Hyuga brightened as he tried to get Misato's attention, and failed. "I fixed it at the last second, though. It was quite ingenious. You see, I got it to..."

"Silence!" roared Ritsuko, causing the bespectacled man's jaw to snap shut, almost severing his tongue. Which would have been bad, because it would have landed in Misato's coffee, and he _never would have had a chance with her then._

"Ma'am!" squeaked Hyuga.

"NERV cannot afford that kind of incompetence," Ritsuko growled. "I'm docking the other half of your pay this month. I hope that's no inconvenience, but you have to be taught a lesson."

"Ma'am," Hyuga replied faintly. He staggered slightly and fought to keep his balance. "It's all right. I can eat my shoes... if I cut them up thinly then maybe they'll last..."

"Are you still here, you cat boner?" roared Misato. The miserable specimen of humanity fled from the room.

"Let's just go to our new home, Misato," Shinji said dejectedly.

"Good idea," nodded Ritsuko. "Now I'm sure I don't have to tell you that I expect you to figure this mess out by yourselves. I want you back here tomorrow for a progress report."

*          *            *

Misato Katsuragi was soon striding down the middle of the concrete footpath with a determined expression on her face. Shinji Ikari, Asuka Langley Sohryu and Pen-Pen were trying hard to keep up with their guardian. Their new apartment lay on the other side of town and coincidentally, the other side of the poverty line.

The Major kept her gun in plain sight as they hurried through the less-than-reputable neighbourhood. It was a cold, grimy, colourless place, filled with graffitti, car wrecks and the kind of people who would never get a spot on _Temptation Island _but who would definitely keep the nightly news interesting.

"Right," said Misato firmly as she marched, pushing a one-legged beggar roughly aside. Shinji was hauling their few remaining possessions on his shoulders in duffel bags and Pen-Pen was waddling along beside them like a sentient bowling pin. "Both of you are to get jobs, understand? That's an order. We have to move back home as soon as possible. Besides, we need more colostomy bags."

"Misat_ooo_," whined Shinji pitifully. "You already work me harder than Burke from _The Trap Door..."_

"Shinji, I hardly think that comparing a five-minute, clay animation children's show from Britain to real life is all that fair."

"I'm not stooping to working with the common rabble!" proclaimed Asuka haughtily.

"You stooped to working with Shinji, just like the rest of us," Misato pointed out.

"Hey!"

"That's just convenience," the redhead retorted. "After all, who knows when I might need a human shield or something? I wouldn't want my Eva's paint scratched. It's bad for public relations. Plus they can always strip Unit-01 down for spare parts to put in _my Eva."_

"_Hey_!"

"Anyway, he just likes looking at my breasts."

Shinji began to choke, frantically trying to regurgitate his tongue.

"So, Shinji's you're protector, is he?" Misato teased. "Your noble bodyguard..."

"Hmm," Asuka mused thoughtfully as Shinji regained a measure of his meager self-respect and puffed his scrawny chest out proudly. "Weren't bodyguards supposed to be eunuchs in the old days?"

"Misato, Asuka can take care of herself," Shinji said quickly as he deflated faster than a balloon at a McDonald's birthday party.

"Maybe you should get a job as a bodyguard for someone else then," Misato said.

"I don't know..."

"Or, you can always sell your body, like last time, Shinji," Misato grinned as an elderly couple passed by. The woman gasped and fell to the ground feebly clutching her heart while the man froze on the spot and then groaned out a plea for someone to change his Depend. "Those scientific experiments were _very _profitable," Misato continued unfazed, patting Shinji companionably on the shoulder. He shrugged, considering.

Asuka snorted. "Misato, I don't think Shinji should sell himself like that any more. Didn't they say last time that if they kept fiddling with him there was a danger of biological meltdown?"

Shinji sighed sadly as he gazed into his reflection in a shop window and absently flexed his impressive pectoral muscles, the result of a previous experiment. "That's right," he said. "I don't know... I'll think of something. I've already spent the money from that _Vogue shoot..."_

They rounded a corner and gazed up at the crumbling apartment building. It was red brick, the colour of a Crayola red brick crayon. "We're here," Misato said.

Asuka stared miserably up at their new home, which was even worse up close. "Well, let's invite the President and break out the champagne and red carpet," she sighed. "Because it's going to be one hell of a party tonight."

______________________________________

Heya! Thought ya'd got rid of me, didn't you? Well, not-so-hot-on-the-heels of my last fanfic, _Evangelion: All Is Right With the World_, comes this… thing. If you read that fic, you might have noticed that I mentioned doing this, and yes, it has been in production since that time. I got into University, though, and dumb things like essays and the need to succeed in life have been getting in the way of doing more important things, like fanfiction.

Not that I expect this to be a masterpiece, or even very good, that is. The main reason I wrote this was to practice my writing and to see if I could even do a comedy. Unplugged is in five parts, and they're all finished, so expect the wait to be short. That could be a good or a bad thing, depending on whether you like this. Reviews? Not worth it? Okay, fair enough. Hmm. All right. Talking to myself, here. I'm going now.

Take it easy,

RENEGADE

=The Underground Empire= " May Odd Grant Us Strength" 

Disclaimer: Oh, sure, sure, I own a multi-million dollar animation company and one of the most popular anime shows in the world. Yeah, why do you ask?


	2. Act 02

=======================================

EVANGELION + UNPLUGGED

=======================================

By RENEGADE:  renegade_y2j@hotmail.com

**ACT 02: THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE FUGLY**

John Brown's body lies a-mouldering in his grave, but his soul goes marching on, just like this story.

Ritsuko Akagi was down in the secret, ominous lab deep below Central Dogma. It was the room with the dummy plug system. Rei Ayanami currently floated in the LCL-filled tube like a sleeping tablet in a beer, only she didn't dissolve. Ritsuko studied her, ticking things off on her clipboard, surrounded by a few of her favourite cats.

The elevator doors opened with a _whoosh and Gendo Ikari materialized beside her. "Doctor," he greeted her formally, pushing his glasses up his nose. "What are you doing with Rei today?"_

"Psychoanalysing," Ritsuko said absently, making another tick.

Gendo paused for a moment. "Psychoanalysing," he repeated uncertainly. "Psychoanalysing is good."

Ritsuko sighed. "It's when we see what's going on in her brain." She muttered under her breath, "cat boner."

Ikari brightened. "Oh... good."

He moved over and unscrewed the little bottle he had picked up from the nearby desk. Reaching up, he tipped a few of the flakes into the LCL and Rei happily swum up to the top of the tube and nibbled them.

"We should get her one of those little castles," Ikari commented.

"There'd be no room for it. The space is taken up by that stupid diver that blows bubbles."

"I suppose." Ikari booted away one of the cats that happened to be gazing at the girl with a rather hungry look on its face as she clambered out of the tube. "How are you, Rei?" he asked.

"Fine," she replied in her soft voice.

"Are you feeling well?"

"Yes."

"Do you need anything?"

"No."

"Have you been doing your schoolwork?"

"Yes."

"Do you need to take time off school?"

"No."

Gendo Ikari paused.

"Is there a rumour that Steven Spielberg has taken an interest in doing a _Tintin_ film?"

"Yes."

"Was it ever proved that the US government was introducing strange chemicals into the water supply?"

"No."

"Is Rage Against the Machine's best album _The Battle of Los Angeles?"_

"Yes."

"Are Museli Bars actually good for you?"

"No."

"Was Xipototec worshipped by the Aztecs as the God of Pain?"

"Yes."

"Did England deserve to lose to Brazil last World Cup?"

"No."

"Are there no facts, only interpretation?"

"Yes."

"Was the _X-Files_ season finale satisfying?"

"No."

"If a tree falls in the forest and there's no one around to hear it, does it still make a sound?"

"Yes."

Ikari leaned back, supremely satisfied. "Then you may have the rest of the day off, Rei. We will return here tomorrow. For now, you are free to go."

Rei nodded silently.

"Why don't you go see Shinji, Asuka and Misato at their new apartment?" asked Ritsuko brightly.

Rei blinked. She seemed to have about as much energy as anaesthetized sloth. Still, she thought, maybe she ought to go and see her comrades. After all, her apartment had been accidentally bulldozed the week before and she hadn't bothered to tell anyone yet. It wasn't as if she could go home.

"Yes," said Rei.

*          *            *

"What a dump," Shinji muttered.

"Aw, it's not _that_ bad," Misato replied cheerily.

"_What_!?" screamed Asuka. "Not that _bad_!? Misato, watch this!" The volatile redhead quickly stormed into the kitchen and grabbed the rubbish bin. In one swift motion she upturned it and scattered filthy rubbish all over the floor.

"Wow," Shinji murmured. Pen-Pen blinked. The state of the floor had actually _improved_.

"Yeah, okay, so it's a cesspit," Misato admitted.

She wasn't wrong. The carpet was brown and stringy, the walls were painted a garish yellow and purple and there was dirt and grime on every surface. Litter permeated every single inch of the place and there was a rather unpleasant lingering odour of bodily fluids and rotting flesh.

"I'm sure we can get it cleaned up in no time!" Misato said brightly. "Let's look at our rooms!"

The three of them trudged to Misato's bedroom first, Shinji noticing twelve pairs of yellowed, highly-intelligent looking yet decidedly alien eyes peering at him from a large crack in the wall. He vaguely wondered if there was a ground floor in hell.

They arrived at the end of the wretched hallway and pushed - heaved - open the door to Misato's room.

"Looks fine to me!" their guardian said happily.

Asuka stared at her incredulously. "The gigantic cockroach lying on your bed and spanking the monkey over a pornographic magazine doesn't bother you?" she asked. The insect in question glanced up a little guiltily but did not cease its impure activities.

Misato frowned. "_Oi_!" she yelled. "Get out!"

The cockroach blatantly flipped her off with one of its free hands.

"Right, that does it." The Major drew her NERV-issue handgun but before she could do anything, the cockroach let out a shrill shriek and scuttled over to the wall where it squeezed into a crack. Another burly-looking thug of a cockroach appeared from within the crack and began to advance smugly towards them.

As Misato raised her gun, the cockroach catapulted itself into the air and did a somersault towards the woman, knocking her gun away before landing and assuming a fighting stance.

Misato cracked her knuckles grimly as Shinji and Asuka looked on, fascinated. The insect charged with a blood-curdling war cry but Misato was too quick. Months of hand-to-hand combat training at NERV paid off and she smoothly spun about, flipped the bug over her shoulder and out through the window in an explosion of glass. It plummeted wailing to the street below, where it impaled itself on the spiked iron fence.

Shinji blinked. He could see several groups of cockroach eyes glaring hatefully at his guardian from various dingy cracks in the walls.

"Cockroach HQ is now under the control of the Katsuragi Empire!" bellowed Misato triumphantly, gazing back into the insects' baleful stares. "And this is _no_ democracy! There will be tribute and sacrifice demanded!"

"My room next," said Asuka.

When they opened the door to the redhead's bedroom, it was strangely bare and plain apart from a faint smell of rodent. Wandering in, Asuka's eyes bugged as she took in the vile yellowed plaster and creaking floorboards.

"Oh man, this really sucks!" she moaned.

"Come on, Asuka," Shinji smiled weakly. "As long as we can stick together, we can overcome any obstacle, right?"

"Hey, this is real life, not some cheesy Emilio Estevez ice hockey movie..."

Pen-Pen began squawking rhythmically. "Waark, waark, waark, waark, waark, _waaaaark_..."

"Go Ducks!" cheered Misato.

"Exactly!" gasped Asuka, diving to the floor just before a missile streaked over their heads and blasted through the living room window.

Advancing was a huge rat in some kind of heavy-duty battlesuit. Chittering, it narrowed its eyes and flipped a few levers, levelling its laser cannons at the intruders.

"Scatter!" shouted Misato. They dashed off in different directions and the cannons were unable to follow their movements. The rodent squeaked in frustration and focused on Asuka, who was closer than the others.

"_Scheiss_," the redhead muttered, diving into a roll as machinegun fire peppered the walls around her, blasting chunks from the yellowing plaster. Suddenly, she tripped and fell flat on her face in front of the walking mechanical nightmare.

The vermin leered victoriously and punched down the button labelled HEAT SEEKER. With a rumble, the rocket launched and bore straight down on a wide-eyed Asuka.

"Oh no you don't," she snapped. Leaping to her feet, she dived under the rocket and scrambled between the legs of the battlesuit. The rocket spun on its axis and locked onto the new heat source while Asuka pressed herself into the floorboards, covering her head with her hands. The rat squeaked in dismay as the rocket streaked towards it.

All that was left afterwards was a few mechanical parts, some charred spots on the floor and a faint smell of overcooked rodent. Asuka rose to her feet and glared victoriously when she heard the gradually retreating sound of sulky chittering from beyond the walls. She turned.

"I hate this place, Misato!" she howled angrily.

"Oh, come on," her guardian admonished her, shaking a finger. Shinji stood behind her, dusting himself off. "I don't have it any worse."

"Are you kidding!?" the redhead snarled. "_You only have to deal with a pervert cockroach crime boss, but _I _have a twisted race of superhumanly genius vermin sharing my room!"_

"Let's have a look at _your bedroom, Shinji," Misato said, patting him on the shoulder and ignoring Asuka._

"Nothing?" frowned Asuka.

"Nothing!" replied Misato cheerfully.

"Nothing," confirmed Shinji, checking the corners.

"Well, that's fair enough," Misato reasoned. "After all, this was the room used by the late Boris Saronovich before his, er, accident."

Shinji perked up. "Oh, good!"

Misato smiled at him while Asuka sulked. "Now," the Major said in a businesslike tone. "Both of you are to go out and find jobs as soon as possible. I want to hear of your proceedings tonight, all right?"

"But I was going out with Touji and Kensuke later," whined Shinji.

"Well, whatever you want, but you still have to get a job," Misato warned. "Remember that we have to go see Ritsuko tomorrow for a progress update."

The two pilots sighed. "Yes, ma'am."

Misato and Asuka retreated, leaving Shinji alone with Pen-Pen in his new room. He stood in the center and took in the squeaky mattress on the floor (stained with... well, he didn't want to know), the melancholy 20-watt light bulb swinging forlornly in the breeze that floated through the cracked glass window and the tattered posters of naked ladies in interesting poses that lined the walls.

Shinji Ikari sighed at his bad luck, watching idly as a robin fluttered to the windowsill and began chirping happily, only to be reduced to a gore-streaked skeleton in a matter of moments when the miniscule bacterial inhabitants of the room swarmed over it like a cancer.

Suddenly, a loose floorboard caught his eye.

Curiously, the Third Child moved over to examine it, and found that the board was in fact designed to be removed. Heaving slightly, he pulled up the rotted timber and discovered three interesting things.

One was a leather jacket, another was a Russian-made Kalashnikov AK-47 and the third was several bags of mysterious white powder. Frowning, Shinji pulled them out as Pen-Pen peered curiously over his shoulder. Possessions of the late Mr Boris Saronovich of the Russian Mafia, it seemed.

He nodded approvingly at the leather jacket and slipped it on. Almost the right size.

Shinji then picked up the rifle. "I can't kill another human being," he announced, and handed it to the penguin beside him, who squawked his gratitude and slung it on his back.

Blinking, Shinji then withdrew the white powder. "Weird," he muttered as he saw the label, which said COLOMBIAN A-GRADE. He was about to sniff it when Pen-Pen snatched it away and shook his head warningly. "Hey!" Shinji yelled crossly, yanking it back. "I found it - oh, damn," he started as he saw his watch. "I'm supposed to meet Touji and Kensuke. I'll see you later!"

Shinji sprinted out the door, the packet of contraband still tucked under his arm. He left behind a penguin with a very devilish look on its face.

*          *            *

Asuka refused to spend one more minute in that house than she had to, and so had decided to pick up the day's paper in hopes of finding a job. The sooner they had the money, she reasoned, the sooner they could burn _this_ place to the ground and go home.

So, here she was in a downtown ice-cream parlour, her favourite chocolate dessert before her (it was Death By Chocolate, but Asuka's carelessly spent NERV credit had convinced the store owner to upgrade it to a veritable Racial Cleansing By Chocolate), leaning over the Tokyo-3 news. Today's headline was: _George W. Bush Junior gets head stuck in White House gate while in Detroit, swimming. Al-Quaeda involvement suspected._

Flipping to the classifieds, she briefly scanned down the columns.

"Let's see..." Asuka mused thoughtfully. "Not a lot here... wait, what's this? _Escorts required_. Hmm... I guess that's like a bodyguard. Nah, that's Shinji's thing," she snickered. "What else... council worker? Pay too low. Plumber's apprentice? Too many hair-filled butt-cracks involved. Government assassin? Too high profile for someone with _my_ modesty."

Asuka sighed. "This is getting nowhere. Oh... wait." She frowned and leaned over. "_Highly talented, highly skilled upstanding person with boundless zeal and enthusiasm required for elitist position at one of Tokyo-3's most highly-regarded restaurants_. Well!" smiled Asuka with satisfaction. "I think I've just found myself a job. I'll go right down there now. Hmm... what's the address, here..."

*          *            *

Misato was left alone in their wonderful new home. This did not really trouble her; while it was more fun with several companions, drinking was satisfying on its own as well.

She stalked towards the fridge and pressed up against its side, narrowing her eyes. Patiently she waited… until, at exactly the right moment, she spun on her heel, threw open the door and pointed her gun inside, yelling, "Freeze, Yebisu!"

She warily watched the contents of her beer fridge, gun barrel never straying a hairline away from its target. "I have you now," the Major said smugly, then frowned. "What's that? I'm not good enough to fight you on equal terms? Well, all right then!" she yelled, tossing her gun away. "It's just you and me, Yebisu!"

Grabbing the beer can fiercely, Misato struggled to subdue it. Together, Misato and the Yebisu wrestled desperately on the filthy kitchen floor.

"You… cannot… win!" Misato yelled victoriously, finally pinning the beer to the ground. "Ha!"

She cracked the top off and tilted the can back, gulping the contents down with bloodthirsty fervor.

_Misato wins, came the booming voice. __Fatality._

*          *            *

"So, Kensuke, exactly what are you going to _do with this cannon?" demanded Touji._

The smaller boy peered over the top of his glasses as he lovingly stroked the weapon. "What am I going to _do with it?" he repeated haughtily. "My dear Mr Suzahara... what __aren't I going to do with it?"_

"I would imagine that there are only so many uses you could find for an eight-meter long cannon from a UN battleship, Kensuke," Shinji ventured, running his fingers along the cold metal barrel.

"Well, yes, all right," Kensuke admitted, jamming his little finger in his ear and wiggling it. "Look, I called you out here so that we can shoot it! You know, baptism of fire and all that."

They were on Kensuke's roof. The massive cannon pointed defiantly into the sky as if it were the apartment block's middle finger. Shinji and Touji listened faithfully as Kensuke delivered a sermon plugging the unlimited 'good points' of this particular cannon, which he had bought at an auction during the military's Open Day.

"And did you know, when this cannon was on the battleship, it was trained directly on St. Petersburg for three years?" the otaku said excitedly.

"Wow," Shinji commented, sticking his hands in the pockets of his new leather jacket. "Imagine that. St. Petersburg."

There was an ominous squeal as Touji's brain shifted into overdrive. This was not always a good sign as it often meant he lost the ability to concentrate on weighty matters such as breathing, but this time he seemed all right.

The jock's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Isn't that when they cut off your wedding tackle with a pair of nail clippers?"

There was a deathly silence.

"St. Petersburg is a city in Russia that was formerly known as Leningrad," Shinji said carefully. "What are _you talking about?"_

"You know," Touji snapped, annoyed. "That thing when they hold your old fella real tight in one hand. And slice it off with the other."

"When they..." Shinji began, hopelessly lost.

"Behead the soldier."

"Er..." Kensuke started hesitantly. "I think you might be thinking of _circumcision_, a custom performed by the Jewish community which involves the painless removal of a male's foreskin at birth..."

During the ensuing pause, Shinji desperately tried to recognise any possible connection Touji might have made between St. Petersburg and circumcision, and failed.

Miserably.

"What's it called again?" Touji rumbled when he had digested this new information.

"Circumcision."

"Wasn't he the guy in _E.T.?"_

"Look," Kensuke said, surrendering. "Do you want to help me fire this thing, or do you just want to stand there being a cat boner?"

"Okay, okay," his fellow Stooge grumbled. "Shinji?"

"Yeah, I'll help. What do we do?"

"All you have to do is _don'tdothat!" Kensuke yelled, making Shinji jump back in alarm. "If you press that, it'll _getawayfromthere_!" Touji guiltily stumbled backwards, a sheepish look on his face. "All right then," Kensuke growled. "Just stand over there and do nothing at all. Okay?"_

"Right," his friends acknowledged.

"Absolutely nothing. No matter what."

"Right."

"Right. Um. Well, here we go." Kensuke pressed the trigger and held his ears.

Nothing happened.

"Oh. Er... hang on just one second." The otaku scurried and climbed over and about his new toy, frantically searching for the fault in his glorious plan. "Um... the barrel, maybe?"

Lightning flashed in the sky...

Kensuke peered into the barrel of the cannon. "Can't see," he commented, and leaned in further. "Oh... hang on... what's thi_whoooah!" Kensuke slid fully into the barrel, where he lay squawking indignantly._

"Well, who didn't see that coming?" Shinji muttered. Touji nodded sagely.

And then, of course, it went off.

With a thunderous crack, the cannon fired its geeky, bespectacled, hunchbacked missile. Kensuke was blasted high into the air in a puff of smoke.

"_AAAAAAAAAaaaaaahhh_....!" The shriek faded as Kensuke became a tiny spot in the distance, soaring over buildings and leaving a trail of ballpoint pens and Magic: The Gathering cards in his wake.

Shinji blinked in bemusement. Touji sniffed and wiped his nose on his sleeve.

"Weird."

"Yeah."

They strolled over to the edge of the building. They could just see the tiny shape dropping. "Looks like he's headed for the government building," commented Touji.

Shinji squinted. "Nah... that's the mall, isn't it?"

"I dunno. I guess we should look for him."

Shinji sighed. "I suppose. You go to the government building and I'll check out the mall, then."

They turned back to the stairs. "Always the same." Touji shook his head. "It starts in games and ends in tears."

*          *            *

Kensuke flailed his arms and screamed wildly as the grey-brick building loomed closer. "Oh, _sh_-"

He hit. Luckily, it was the glass window of Tokyo-3's People's Choice Film Studio that received the impact. Kensuke exploded onto the set in a storm of broken glass. Fortunately, his landing was strangely soft and without pain.

"-_it_," he finished, and glanced around. He seemed to be lying on a large, heart-shaped bed, and there was a fat, balding man with a hairy chest staring directly at him, not to mention the numerous cameramen and other various onlookers.

Most notable of all, however, was the scantily clad human female lying beside him, looking more than a little surprised.

"Um, hi," Kensuke said nervously to the room in general, pushing his glasses up his nose.

The fat man, obviously the director, blinked and pointed a suspicious finger at Kensuke. "I'll get to you in a second." He then turned to a muscle-bound yet obviously dejected 'actor'. "What was I saying... oh yeah. Look, Butch, you just can't hack it in this industry. You got no stamina, no control... and frankly, three inches is _quite unimpressive, even for a cat boner like you."_

"But Bobby..." the muscly actor whined, wringing his hands. The director held up his hands.

"No buts, Butch. To be perfectly blunt, your bone needs more meat. Connoisseurs of the adult entertainment industry want to be impressed, not embarrassed. Look, I bet even this kid is better endowed than you. Hey, kid!"

"Wha...?" Kensuke stammered in confusion.

"How big is the barrel of your cannon, kid?"

"Er..." Kensuke thought back. "About eight meters."

The director blinked in astonishment. "Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ-bananas."

"That must be useful for changing the channel without getting off the couch," commented a cameraman mildly.

"Or opening a door from across the room," added the guy holding the boom mike.

The director began rubbing his hands eagerly. "You got any training?"

"Um... yes, it was trained on... er... St. Petersburg... for three years..." Kensuke replied hesitantly as he saw the man's satisfied expression, unsure of his intentions. "But don't worry, it's a registered weapon with the Japanese government," he added hastily.

The director nodded with a Cheshire-cat grin. "Somehow, that doesn't surprise me." He thrust out his filth-encrusted hand. "Bobby LeMora, greatest director of skin flicks on the whole damn planet. Welcome to People's Choice Film Studios, kid."

Kensuke carefully shook the man's hand. "Film studios?"

LeMora draped a blubbery arm around Kensuke's shoulder. "Correct. And we are going to make _you a star." He gestured to the miserable actor with the muscles. "Get that bum out of here."_

"A star?" Kensuke said in disbelief.

"I know talent when I see it," LeMora stated. "If you'd just step this way, we'll have a look at your talents..."

*          *            *

Asuka swore so brutally that a nearby statue of the Virgin Mary began to cry.

She had just arrived at 'Tokyo-3's most highly-regarded restaurant' and fought the urge to transform it into a stain on Unit-02's gigantic mechanical boot. A very familiar logo loomed up in front of her like a prophet's portent of doom.

"Burger King," snarled Asuka. "You must be joking."

She glanced down at the ad she had snipped out of the newspaper. No... it was definitely the right address.

Forcing herself to remember that she _had to get a job if she ever wanted her old room back, Asuka raised her head and screamed a hundred violent curses to the heavens before narrowing her eyes, taking a deep breath and stalking into the building._

*          *            *

Shinji sighed.

He was lingering in the mall, unsure of what to do. He'd wandered up and down its sizeable length for a while now but there was no sign of Kensuke. Idly, he wondered if he should just give up, considering Kensuke might be dead or something.

Sticking his hands gloomily into the pockets of his new leather jacket, he felt something: the packet of white powder that he had forgotten about until now. Frowning, he withdrew it and examined it again. This action caught the attention of two young men who looked about twenty-odd, and they began looking interestedly in Shinji's direction.

Casually - _too_ casually, Shinji noted warily - they wandered up to him and leaned against the wall he stood beside. Neither of them looked at him.

"I'll take three hundred grams of the white lady, kid," one of them said in a low voice, staring directly ahead.

Shinji blinked.

"I'll take one hundred," the other man stated in an equally soft voice. "If it's good stuff, I'll come back for more. Deal?"

Glancing between them, Shinji's mind was a whirl of confusion, but amidst it all, he blurted, "Sure."

He tipped what he hoped was three hundred grams into the little plastic bag the first man offered and then one hundred into the bag the other was holding out. Much to his surprise, he was handed a wad of notes.

"Heeey, this _is_ good, man," one of the young men smirked, and winked at Shinji. "I think some of my friends are gonna want to meet you, kid. Now just hang on..."

A few minutes later, Shinji was being swamped by customers.

A couple of minutes after _that, his head was spinning wildly and he had to lean up against the brick wall for support, a maniacal grin on his face. Unconsciously he yanked his trousers up a few inches - they kept being pulled down by the weight of the notes in his pockets._

"Well," he said. "Well, well, well."

*          *            *

After her two teenage housemates had left the building, Misato had decided to take a nap. Nothing much to do in this neighbourhood, she mused to herself. A little earlier, she had seen Pen-Pen leading a group of rather shady-looking penguins into Shinji's room, but she thought little of it. Hell, she was no expert on warm water penguins. For all she knew, that was a natural thing for them to do.

And so she had entered her bedroom – three cockroaches had looked up in alarm and fled when she entered, dropping the crudely drawn apartment map they had been scribbling on – and flopped down on her creaking mattress.

After just fifteen minutes of sweet repose, however, a snarling rat hurled a Molotov cocktail in through the door of her room, rudely awakening her. Blinking sleepily when the heat from the roaring blast awoke her, she blearily gazed around.

It seemed the homemade incendiary had detonated in the midst of a group of cockroaches, which were now little more than burned-out husks. Before she could so much as think on this, however, another posse of cockroaches wearing gold chains and sporting arcane tattoos exploded from the wall in a small car.

As Misato watched in surprise, the car roared around her bed on two wheels and thundered out into the hallway towards Asuka's room.

There was the sound of automatic gunfire and agonized squeaking, and the Major swore she heard someone shout, "Blood for our fallen brothers! Vamos, compadres!" before the cockroach hombres screeched back into the room, slapping one another high-fives. They collected their dead and retreated into the walls, without giving her so much as a glance.

Misato yawned, stretched and vaguely wondered if that happened often. She had asserted her dominance over the cockroaches, but the rats seemed to want to take advantage of Asuka's current absence to expand their turf.

She was actually a little relieved when there was a soft rapping at the door. _Finally, someone to relieve the tedium_, she thought to herself.

Unfortunately, her hopes would go unrealised as her visitor turned out to be the First Child. Misato sighed. _Well, there goes that_ idea_. "What's up, Rei?" she said in a tired voice. "Have you lost your sense of self identity again?"_

"No," said Rei softly.

Misato sighed heavily once again. "So, I suppose you're not here to alleviate my boredom either?" she asked rather snappily.

"No."

Misato rolled her eyes. "They don't call you Rei-o de Janeiro for nothing, I see."

There was a blank look on Ayanami's face.

"You know... Rio? The party capital of the world...? Rio, Rei-o, I was being... oh, never mind," she said grumpily. "What do you want?"

"If I may, I wish to ask you a question."

"What's that?"

"It is an interrogative form of sentence that is used to seek information," Rei answered smoothly.

"Yes, I know _that_," Misato grated. "What _is_ the question?"

"Where is Ikari? I want to see him."

"He called me a little while ago. He said he's down at the mall, earning some money. I'm very proud of him," Misato beamed. "He's so responsible, making an honest yen like that. Unlike Pen-Pen. He's been doing something sneaky, that penguin..."

"What is that?"

"It's a small, domesticated flightless bird that has been genetically adapted to survive in a warm water environment," replied Misato, a little nastily.

Rei blinked slowly, like an iguana in the sunlight. Then she turned away. "Thank you, Major Katsuragi."

"Sure, Rei. I'm happy to help you anytime," Misato lied. Then, she switched to the truth. "See you later."

"Yes."

Misato closed the door quickly after the First Child had left. Ayanami seemed to drain the energy out of a room simply by being there. After talking to Rei Misato always felt like sticking her hand in the blender, just to liven things up.

______________________________________

Gracias for all comments, good and bad and whatever came in between.

I'll say right now, though, that I'm not really taking any of them all that seriously. Please don't think this is an insult or criticism, it's just that I only posted it because I thought some people might like it, not because I was desperately after comments. Comedy is hard to write and I fully understand it's utterly hit and miss.

So by all means I appreciate comments or suggestions but I'm not demanding you surrender them to me. If you like the story, you're my new best friend, if not, well, no offence taken. I know it's not for everybody.

Oh, and thanks, Autophage. And you got it right. A slacker's work is never done.

Take it easy,

RENEGADE

=The Underground Empire=   May Odd Grant Us Strength 

Disclaimer: To put it bluntly, if you think GAINAX would ever give _Neon Genesis: Evangelion_ this kind of treatment, you need your head examined. In other words, I don't own it.


	3. Act 03

=======================================

EVANGELION + UNPLUGGED

=======================================

By RENEGADE:  renegade_y2j@hotmail.com

**ACT 03: FOLLOW THAT CAR, UNIT-02, AND STEP ON IT**

Just like a spear thrown expertly at a torso, the story continued through the middle.

"Education?"

"University of Berlin graduate, majoring in psychology," Asuka snarled hatefully. "Top of the fuckin' class."

"Indeed." Asuka's soon-to-be manager scribbled on his pad. "What makes you think you would be ideal for this position?" he inquired. He was a greasy, rotund man with a pencil-thin moustache and a penchant for sweating at the armpits.

Asuka looked at him disgustedly as if he had just sprouted antennae from his groin. "I can count past three, put a coherent sentence together and am breathing." She spoke like the xenomorph from _Aliens_: her voice was dripping with acid.

It had no effect on the Burger King head honcho. "I see," he commented mildly and scrawled something else on his pad again. "Do you have a friendly manner?"

"What the hell do you think, you fat arse?" She spat on the floor. "And don't smile at me. Your teeth are so yellow _I Can't Believe It's Not Butter_."

"And are you willing to work as part of a team, and to the best of your ability?" asked the manager pleasantly.

Asuka thought for a moment. "No," she said firmly. "I'd rather drown myself at the sewage plant."

The man nodded and shut his clipboard with a snap. "All right. You're hired. You can start today, right?"

Asuka sagged. "Yeah," she whispered in defeat.

*          *            *

"Damn, when I find that cat boner nerd Kensuke he's gonna get a barbed-wire enema," Touji growled. "This damn place is huge!"

Touji Suzahara had been wandering the government building for some time now, and had seen no sign of his weaselly, hunchbacked friend. Which was unsurprising, because Kensuke was joyously redefining his career path in a completely different building.

"This government place sure is weird, though," Touji commented to himself. He noticed a few men in white labcoats muttering to one another and constantly glancing at him from a short distance away. When they saw Touji looking at them, one scientist nodded to the other, who smiled and approached the jock.

"Hello there," the scientist said, flashing him a Colgate smile. "I see you look a little lost."

"Nah, it's my droog Kensuke that's lost," Touji replied. "I just came here to find him."

"I see," nodded the scientist. "Why don't you come with me? I'll take you on the tour and we can look for your friend at the same time."

Touji shrugged. "Sure, why not?"

The scientist nodded in satisfaction. "Follow me, then," he said, subtly giving the other labcoat a discrete thumbs-up.

Touji strolled through the building with his guide for about half an hour, slowly descending through the floors until he was fairly sure they were now deep below street level.

"And here are some of our projects," the scientist said, gesturing.

"Wow," Touji said, impressed. "What's this disgusting green slime stuff that looks like a cross between dung and fungus?"

"Oh, that's what we grow the Australian Liberal Party from."

"Gross."

"That's one way to describe them," the scientist agreed. "An extra 30% for University HEX fees, my pestilent schlong."

"And this computer?"

"Ah yes. You know those stupid forwards and lame ads you get sent to your Hotmail inbox? This is where they originate. It's actually quite complicated. Look, here is one being sent to one of our most annoyed customers..."

As Touji watched in interest, a lab tech typed out an advertisement with the subject listed as _Give her more pleasure! Add five inches today! Penis enlargement is cheap and painless! He then typed in the address it would be sent to: renegade_y2j@hotmail.com._

"Multiply that by ten thousand," the scientist ordered. "And send them all day, every day for the next thousand years."

Touji moved onto the next display, a large vat filled with liquid. Inside it, he was slightly surprised to observe that a brown haired girl was floating serenely, her eyes closed. She looked, admittedly, quite cute. "Who's that?" Touji asked curiously.

The scientist looked up from his clipboard, where he was ticking things off. "Oh yes... project 'Girlfriend of Steel'. Her name is Mana Kirishima. She's just a cross between Asuka and Rei, taking all their good points and none of their bad."

"Wow, just like _Blade. But wouldn't that mean she was __too perfect?" Touji inquired._

The scientist nodded. "Yes, but GAINAX loves her anyway." He chuckled. "She's made Asuka fans the world over seethe with anger just by existing."

"And what's through this door?" Touji asked.

"Ah yes." The scientist smiled faintly. "Let me show you. Follow me..."

They walked through and the automatic door slid shut behind them. Following that, there was the sound of a lead pipe hitting a human braincase, and then a body slumping to the floor.

*          *            *

_Times change and people change, reflected Shinji thoughtfully, __but fortunes change the quickest._

He swapped another bag of substance for a bulging wad of cash and his customer nodded in approval before discretely withdrawing. The Third Child then followed the routine he had worked out earlier and moved to another location, whistling happily and wiping his nose with a thousand-yen note. He had made his way from the mall, through several districts and now to the docks.

Yawning, Shinji idly glanced at the cargo ships loading large wooden crates and figured he'd only have to wait a little while before he gained a customer or two.

He frowned. "No sign of Kensuke, either." He sighed. "There's not even any point in me looking for him, apart from the fact that the guy's as useless as tits on a bull and couldn't find his bum with both hands."

The Third Child morosely contemplated his lost friend.

"I guess he could be dead."  Shinji sighed. "Being shot into a building… that's no way for a guy to die. Now, being savaged by a mutant dog, on the other hand, or thrown into a combine harvester by neo-nazi skinheads, that's the best way to go out. Stealing a Ferrari, going on a high-speed car chase firing guns at the police and crashing into a petrol tanker, yessir…"

"Ikari."

Shinji yelped and spun around, guiltily thrusting the drugs behind his back. "A... A.... Ayanami. Hi. Um." Shinji babbled. "What are you... er, that is to say, I wasn't... um..."

Rei, who was by now fully accustomed to Shinji's little personality quirks, waited patiently for him to calm down. When he did, she asked, "I tracked you from the mall, Ikari. What are you doing here?"

"I was... painting," Shinji blurted.

"Painting?" Rei gave him a quizzical look.

"Busking," Shinji corrected himself weakly.

The First Child looked around. "Where is your instrument?"

"I left it in my car," Shinji choked desperately.

"I did not know you had a car."

"My… Eva."

As Shinji was frantically searching for a slightly more plausible explanation, his problems suddenly compounded. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed two grim-faced policemen that were stalking through the docks, scanning the area with a roving eye. "Oh no!" he shrieked.

"What is it?" asked Rei.

Shinji paused for a moment, considering what he was going to say. "Enemies!" he hissed, pointing.

Ayanami's eyes narrowed. "Yes, the police. Numerous times they have visited my apartment, demanding that I admit to a supposed eighteen charges of grand theft auto. Do not be afraid; I will help you battle them."

Shinji stared. "Ayanami! Those men look like they'd go to work on you until you resembled a lump of baked dough!"

"I am not a roll," Rei stated. "And they could not prove anything, either. Fuyutsuki's Alpha-Romeo was a completely different colour."

"Look, just _hide!" Shinji said desperately, pushing her into one of the wooden crates before shutting it and diving into a rusty iron barrel himself. He didn't notice the crane whirring overhead and hooking Rei's crate, lifting it onto the cargo ship, as he was too busy keeping a wary eye on the scowling police officers._

Shortly, however, the lawmen passed him by completely and disappeared into the streets. Breathing a sigh of relief, Shinji glanced across to where Rei had once been and started when he realised she was nowhere to be found.

"Er…"

He frantically scanned the area.

"Rei…?"

Rei Ayanami pondered her situation in the pitch black of the crate's interior. She had the strange sensation of being lifted by something, as the crate was swaying side to side and there was the sound of heavy machinery being operated nearby.

"Why am I flying…?"

Shinji shrugged uneasily, failing to notice Rei's crate being lowered into the cargo ship's hold. "I guess… she must have left…?"

He was startled by the cargo ship's horn blast then, and as he turned he watched the rusty vessel slowly pull away from Tokyo-3's dock.

*          *            *

The walls were positively shaking. The most weak-willed members of the crew had had to retreat from the set long ago out of sheer exhaustion.

"Unbelievable." Bobby LeMora shook his head in admiration. "This kid is unbelievable. I mean, Christ… eight hours…"

*          *            *

"We're not eating _here," the high school student announced loudly. "We're going to McDonald's, where they have much better food…"_

"And very competitive prices," added his foul-breathed companion. "Not to mention friendly service." They turned away, intentionally knocking over a large cup of Diet Pepsi, spilling it all over the counter, the floor and the shirt of Burger King's newest employee.

"_Next please," growled Asuka furiously, wiping her Pepsi-stained shirt with her hands and silently swearing a thousand unspeakable blood-sealed oaths and pacts to horrifying dark powers that she would one day find God and hold Him directly responsible for this blasphemy before making Him pay dearly._

A young man approached the counter and appraised her coolly, taking in her degrading hat and striped, cheap cotton shirt. He smirked at his obvious superiority to this miserable Burger King drone. He chuckled at the 'Trainee' badge. Asuka kept her eyes lowered.

"Give me… _hmm…" The young man paused dramatically, stroking his chin and gazing at the menu, taking his time. "Give me…"_

Asuka swallowed the urge to cave this person's head in like a ripe melon with the handle of her spatula, but did not look up.

"A Double Whopper, a large fries, some onion rings, _aaaand_… a large Coke." He smiled benevolently, as if he expected Asuka to throw herself down onto her knees and kiss his feet to thank him for just deeming her worthy enough to be addressed.

Asuka grudgingly turned to her order keypad.

"Hurry up, you talent less and malignant Burger King ooze cat boner," the young man sniffed disdainfully, glaring at her. "Work faster. What is it they say…? Oh yes, the customer is always right. Well, the customer is telling you to move your sluggish anus to the next level of speed before he has a word with your manager."

Something in Asuka's brain, something that had been building up for her whole shift, snapped.

"One onion ring, coming up," Asuka stated coldly, brutally pounding buttons on her flimsy order keypad. "Please go and sit down in a puddle of vomit. Your order will be ready when I can be bothered, so you should probably get comfortable."

The yuppie narrowed his eyes menacingly. "Hey, I get the distinct impression that you're being smart, you lecherous vermin."

For the first time Asuka raised her head and stared this man directly in the eye. He instantly took an involuntary, terrified step backwards when he saw the terrible, bloody inferno that burned within the merciless pits of the redhead's blazing orbs.

"Ah… y-yes, ma'am, one onion ring, that's it all right…"

"That comes to twenty thousand yen," Asuka ground out, slowly and deliberately.

"Er… of c-course, twenty thousand…" The young man frantically fumbled with his wallet and withdrew a bundle of notes. "H-here…"

Asuka snatched the cash and jammed it in her own pocket. In return, she flipped a cold, greasy onion ring onto the counter, where a squadron of ants made a valiant effort to kidnap it. "You don't mind if I don't put it in a bag, do you… _sir?" she inquired casually, but in the same, flat tone._

"NO! Er, I mean, no, not at all." The man smiled weakly and picked up the object, nodding at her, intending to place it in his pocket.

"Eat it," Asuka growled. "Or you'll make me… upset."

Almost crying, the man forced the onion ring into his mouth, chokingly mashed it between his teeth, and with a tremendous effort managed to swallow it.

"Now go away," Asuka commanded. He did so, scuttling away and rushing out the door, never to return.

"Next," ordered Asuka.

An angry-looking woman stormed up to the counter holding the congealed remnants of a burger-like object.

"It's about time," she snapped. "What's your name, miss?" She had a large, beehive hairstyle, excessive makeup, smelled of strong perfume and had small, pig-like eyes.

Asuka raised her eyebrows and sarcastically peered down at her name badge. "Er… Asuka, it says here," she said, contempt fairly oozing from her voice. "Though I could be wrong."

"Foolish name for a girl, Oscar," the woman remarked airily. Asuka went purple with fury. "Now see here, Oscar, I was served this Whopper after waiting for half an hour, and it's _cold!" She deposited the hamburger in front of the irate redhead, in the middle of the spilled Diet Pepsi. Mayonnaise and small coloured flecks that were allegedly vegetable matter spilled out over the laminated counter._

Asuka gazed dispassionately at the slaughtered remains of the miserable thing. "Well, that's wonderful news," she mocked. "You start printing the T-shirts and I'll go let off the fireworks, and we'll let the whole wide world know."

The woman stared at her. "I _beg your pardon!?"_

Asuka sniffed and started chewing on her nail, ignoring her and wondering if Shinji had found a job yet.

"How _dare you insult _me _like that you… you… _beast_!" the woman shrieked. "I demand an apology!"_

"It's all right, you're forgiven," Asuka assured her.

The woman hesitated while she worked this out. Eventually, she regained her composure. "I want to see your supervisor, Oscar!"

Asuka paused for a moment. Despite her hatred for it, she couldn't afford to lose this job. She took matters into her own hands once again.

"That's me," she said.

The woman scowled. "The manager, then."

"Speaking."

"Head of Burger King Japan, all right?"

"How can I help?"

"The CEO of the entire world-wide corporation!"

"I'm listening."

The old bat's eyes narrowed. "I want to speak to the Son of God."

"Daughter," Asuka corrected.

The woman boiled with rage. "_Just who do you think you are_!?"

"Just who do you think _you are?" Asuka shot back. "What's with all that makeup? Who're you trying to be, The Crow? Although I don't blame you for trying to disguise the fact that you've got a face like a dried-up gorilla grundle."_

Staring in astonishment, the woman exploded, "I have never been so insulted in all my life! When I come back, it will be with a battalion of solicitors, you cat boner!"

Asuka smirked as the furious woman stalked from the establishment, batting an unfortunate acne-ridden Burger King employee across the room with a flick of her flabby wrist. "Next," said Asuka.

Her next customer approached the counter and Asuka's jaw dropped open in surprise.

Gendo Ikari's eye's widened for a fraction of a second as he recognised the person serving him. Both parties hesitated in confusion for a moment.

"Welcome to Burger King how may I help you," Asuka muttered, not meeting the NERV Commander's eyes.

"One cheeseburger and a small Coke," Gendo replied quietly, doing the same thing.

"You want fries with that?"

"No."

"Eat in or take away?"

"Take away."

There was a _very awkward pause as Asuka and Ikari waited for the order to process. Asuka tapped nervously on the counter and adjusted her stupid hat while Ikari rocked uncomfortably back and forth on his heels, humming to himself._

"Nice day," the Commander commented feebly.

"Very nice," Asuka answered weakly.

Silence.

Tap-tap-tap.

"How're the MAGI?" the redhead tried.

"Good, very good."

"Good. Good."

"Yes… er… yes."

Tap-tap-tap.

"One cheeseburger and small Coke?" called another employee from out back, who was actually making the food.

Relief washed off Asuka like morals on a hitman. Faster than the speed of light, she snatched the order and quickly placed it on the counter. Ikari nodded from the murky depths of his own relief and held out some money.

"Thank you come again," Asuka said automatically, praying he never would.

"Yes." For a fraction of a second, their eyes locked and they paused. "Not a word of this," Ikari said before turning away.

"Not a word," Asuka agreed quickly.

*          *            *

Touji Suzahara blearily drifted in and out of consciousness. He had been drugged and strapped to a steel table while strange and disturbing images hazily played themselves over and over in his confused mind. Above everything, though, was a constant, recurring word…

A… ki… ra… 

*          *            *

"Okay," the supervisor onboard the cargo ship snapped. "This one has to get to the base _express, all right? So no stops on the way."_

The helicopter pilot nodded. On his helmet he had scrawled FLY ME TO THE MOON. Together, the two men attached the crate to the appropriate chains. After that, he quickly clambered aboard and the rotors started spinning. Slowly, the transport helicopter lifted off and, carrying a wooden box that happened to hold a slightly confused but nonetheless unharmed Rei Ayanami, soon vanished into the distance.

This was the beginning of the second leg of the crate's journey to its intended destination…

…Iceland.

*          *            *

Shinji sighed and opened the door to the new apartment. "I'm ho – _aah_!" Shinji ducked as a vicious, razor-edged shuriken whistled through the air above his head and embedded itself four inches into the woodwork behind him. Terrified, the Third Child lifted his gaze and it fell upon one of the evil-looking rats that inhabited the apartment.

It eyed him coldly. This particular vermin sported dragon tattoos, honour scars and was missing a 'finger' on its right paw. Most worryingly though, it casually bounced a brightly polished and _extremely sharp katana with practiced ease._

"Oh, hey Shinji!" greeted Misato, appearing suddenly behind the startled rat. Without missing a step, she punted it out the front door like a deflated football and they listened to its hateful snarls as it tumbled down the stairs, all the way to the ground floor. "What's up?"

"Nothing," Shinji said a little guiltily, glancing around.

"You're home pretty early."

"Yeah, Kensuke and Touji had to… uh… go."

"Well, I'm pretty hungry, so sort yourself out and go make us something to eat!" his guardian demanded, giving him a hearty slap on the rump that would have had Kaji crying with desire. "Asuka's not home yet, but she shouldn't be too far off. Now _move!"_

"Okay!" Shinji squeaked as he scuttled off to his room.

Sliding the door shut behind him, Shinji breathed a sigh of relief but jumped in surprise when he locked gazes with a guilty-looking Pen-Pen.

The penguin was sitting frozen in the middle of the floor, paused in the process of counting a huge wad of cash. Like a firebrand Southern preacher, Shinji pointed an accusing finger as if he were about to unleash the blazing wrath of God upon the sinful. "You… you've been _dealing drugs_, haven't you?" he demanded angrily. The penguin shuffled its flippers shamefully. "I can't believe you! I'm telling Misato."

Shinji's determined statement was cut off as he felt Pen-Pen grasp his arm. Turning, he noticed that the bird had a very cold look in its eye that said _I'll take you down with me_ as it pointed to the packet under Shinji's arm.

"Well, uh… you see… heh heh…" Shinji laughed uncomfortably, unable to meet Pen-Pen's gaze. "All right!" he yelled. "You don't tell on me and I won't tell on you. Deal?"

Pen-Pen waarked and offered a flipper. Hesitating only a moment, a relieved look flickered across Shinji's face as they shook. Pen-Pen wore a satisfied smile, looking very much like Hitler did when he signed his ten-year non-aggression pact with Poland.

"Pen-Pen," Shinji said, rubbing his hands together gleefully. "I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Now, we split the profits fifty-fifty, you can take the Tokai District and I'll work upwards from the dock…"

*          *            *

"It was dark, Kensuke, and your tongue is the same as hers!" Touji blurted, jerking involuntarily into an upright sitting position. Blinking his eyes blearily as he eased into full wakefulness, the jock groaned and rubbed his face, freeing himself of the straps that held him down. "Oh man. Water."

Through his double vision, he noticed a glass on the shelf nearby. Groggily, he reached out a hand for it, not noticing as it slid across the surface towards him of its own accord…

*          *            *

Drained physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and psychologically, Asuka growled and snatched up her pay envelope. She glanced around smugly before tearing the packet open and withdrawing her pay slip.

Her eyes narrowed.

"Something wrong, Asuka?" the fat manager inquired as he materialized behind her, Tyler Durden style.

"I worked for several hours today," the redhead replied flatly. "And quite frankly I expected my pay to reach double figures."

"Aheh heh heh…" the bald manager chuckled nervously, running a hand through his metaphorical hair. "Yes…"

"Just how much _do_ we get paid, anyway?"

"Um…" the manager looked about desperately, searching for an escape. "Er… did I mention you get to keep all the gherkin people throw away?" he smiled weakly, offering a sopping paper bag.

*          *            *

Misato knocked on Shinji's door. "Hey, Shinji! Where's dinner? Asuka's home now and we're both hungry!"

Strangely, the sound of heavy machinery and a penguin's irritated warbling emanated from the other side of the door. "Er… I'm a little busy right now Misato!" Shinji yelled back at her. "Can't you get your Serv-Bot to fix dinner?"

"Hey, yeah!" Misato brightened, then moved over to switch the robot on. One of Sony's latest innovations, Serv-Bot was programmed to clean, cook and pamper unconditionally. 

Serv-Bot whirred to life and its red eyes blinked as it took in its surroundings. It whistled and buzzed cheerfully until its robotic gaze fell upon Misato, beaming cheesily. Instantly Serv-Bot lashed out a robotic arm and grabbed her pistol from its holster, aimed the gun at its own head and pulled the trigger. Robotic brains splattered over the wall.

"Shiiin-_jiii…" Misato whined through the door._

Ikari looked up, irritated, from where he and Pen-Pen were setting up their apparatus. "_What!?"_

"Serv-Bot killed himself. I'm really hung_reee_…" She tugged crossly at the door, trying to get it open, but it was locked up tighter than a nun's love life.

"Just… go put on your redneck Superbowl beer helmet!" Shinji yelled.

He could almost see Misato brighten again, even though the door was closed. "Oh yeah!"

Shinji and Pen-Pen looked at one another, exasperated, and then returned to the serious task of setting up their fledgling cocaine empire.

*          *            *

Glowering, Asuka stormed into her room, where she noticed a conclave of the brooding Yakuza rats plotting their brutal revenge against their fallen brethren from the cockroach drive-by earlier. Needing to vent her anger, she stamped up and grabbed one of them by the tail, causing it to squeak in surprise, and swinging it around her head, she battered away all the others as they tried to rush her.

Releasing the rat and launching it through the window to plummet to the concrete pavement ten stories below and into the path of an oncoming eighteen-wheeler, Asuka then flopped exhaustedly down onto her bed, causing one of the lower apartments in the building to collapse in on itself. The sounds of angry calls and muffled curses reached her even here.

Glancing down at her miserable pay packet, and then across to where the forty paper bags full of gherkin lay on the wooden floor, the redhead wondered if they couldn't just burn this place to the ground as well, claim the insurance money and rebuild their old place with it. Or if not, she wondered if she could just burn this place down, full stop.

It was then that she heard the strange sound coming from somewhere to her left… somewhere behind her chest of drawers…

"Miyo! Miyo!"

Jerking upwards with a start, Asuka nervously scanned the area for any vengeful, poison-blade wielding rats honour-bound to avenge their previous defeat. There was no sign of a vermin assault, though, and Asuka began to wonder if she was hearing things.

"Miyo-miyo!"

"All right, what the hell!?" snapped Asuka crossly, "Whoever the hell is grunting like an oversexed boar, I would greatly appreciate it if you showed yourself."

"Miyo?"

She gazed blankly at the small, grey creature that slowly clambered up from within her socks to stand on the surface of the chest of drawers. Asuka wondered vaguely if she'd been sniffing glue and had somehow forgotten about it.

"Ah ha. Yeah. Right. Okay," Asuka said carefully. "Hi."

"Miyo!" chirped the little being happily. It was about the size and shape of a tennis ball and had two eyestalks protruding from its body. It had small arms and legs and a large mouth made up a good portion of its orb-like body. The thing was grey, and as Asuka held out a hand, the creature stepped onto her palm and she found that it had a smooth, glossy texture to its skin.

She brought it up to eye level. "What… are you?"

"Miyo!" the thing burbled cheerfully, pointing at the gherkin bags.

Asuka shrugged and lowered it to the floor. "You want it, be my guest. You can't throw that stuff out because the people from Burger King just get it out of the rubbish and put it in new burgers."

Solemnly, the grey, ball-like creature withdrew to slices of gherkin, offering one to Asuka. "Eh, no thanks," she declined. "I think that one's been pre-chewed. And pre-expelled, if you know what I mean."

The little creature frowned and waved it at her again. "Miyo!"

Not wanting to upset her kooshball-like companion, Asuka grudgingly accepted the gherkin. Feeling slightly ill, she held it in front of her mouth and tried not to glare at the little alien or whatever it was.

"Miyo!" it proclaimed solemnly, holding up its own gherkin in salute before thrusting it into its mouth. Feeling a little bemused and foolish, Asuka did the same. Forcing herself to chew, then swallow, Asuka then had to stave off the sudden wave of nausea that washed over her. Hallucinogenic images danced before her eyes, colours reversed and lines blurred. Asuka staggered and retched, trying to steady her spinning head and clear the spots from her eyes.

"I thought these mind-warps were a Shinji thing," she murmured drunkenly.

"Now we are bonded."

_That_ jolted Asuka back to reality. "What?" she demanded. The grey creature was gazing up at her. It had spoken Japanese.

"The holy plant gives us the power of the tongue," the creature announced gesturing to the vile gherkin. "It is a gift from the holy gods, great one."

"Hey, what is this, _Children of an Elder God!?" Asuka frowned. "That one isn't even finished yet!" She noticed the creature's blank look, and sighed. "All right, all right. So… what exactly are you?"_

A wide grin split the creature's face like apartheid. "Miyo! We…" here he thrust his arms wide. "Are the Meemits."

Asuka stared wide-eyed as small, grey creatures – Meemits – crawled from the cracks in the walls, under her bed, from the drawers, under the floorboards… soon they surrounded her, studying and observing the redhead curiously.

"I am Mimo," the speaking Meemit told her. "And you are here to deliver us."

*          *            *

A little later, Shinji was sitting at the table, reading his last remaining _Goosebumps_ book, chillingly titled _It Came from Beneath the Sink!_. Turning the pages with trembling fingers, he wet his dried lips and wiped away the beads of sweat sliding down his brow. His breath came in hoarse, rasping gasps as he silently willed his heart to stop beating so fast, lest he die from terror.

Misato wandered in, humming cheerfully to herself. Adjusting both the angle of her direction and her velocity slightly, she made a beeline for the fridge.

She flung the door wide. Stopping in front of it, a look of pure disbelief and happiness came over her as she blinked her eyes. Shinji watched casually as two tiny teardrops trickled down her cheeks.

"Oh Yebisu… Yebisu, is it really thee?" she cried, engulfing the beer can in a tender hug. Planting soft, passionate kisses all over it, she whispered, "we were always meant to be together, my beloved. We will never be separated again."

Caressing the beer, she cracked the top off and slowly drank in the contents. "The taste of thy lips is sweet, my love."

Shinji sighed. "Misato, do you always have to role-play with the beer?"

"You shalt never come between us, cur!" she replied haughtily, leaning in for another kiss / sip. "'Twas meant to be."

He watched as Misato loaded her arms with the alcohol, coldly reflecting that if she sold the empty cans to the recycling depot for five cents each, she could retire. And probably buy NERV.

The Third Child rolled his eyes. "Misato and a Yebisu… now _that's_ a WAFF story I'd love to see."

Misato smirked and turned to a pile of tattered papers lying heaped in the corner. "Yeah, it'd be better than some of this other crud. I mean, look at this: _All is Right With the World_? Who the hell would be lame enough to write something like that?"

Shinji nodded wisely. "He's probably some loser from Bumville with an anal-retentive attention to detail and way too much time on his hands."

His guardian snickered. "Yeah. What a tool."

Asuka chose that moment to wander out of her room with a thoughtful expression on her face.

"What's up?" Shinji asked her curiously.

She seemed about to reply, but her mouth snapped shut. "Nothing," she said absently.

Ikari blinked. No insults involving questionable parentage? No abuse connecting Shinji's sexuality with domesticated barnyard animals? "Uh…"

"Well, to celebrate us moving into our new home, I'm going to get wasted!" Misato announced proudly, downing another beer in a single, impressive gulp.

Ignoring Misato, Shinji turned to his fellow pilot. "Are you sure you're all right?" he asked.

"Um…" Asuka desperately sought for an excuse. "It's my period."

"Ah," Shinji nodded his head quickly, frantically backing off. "Say no more."

Just then, there came a knock at the door, conveniently moving the plot along.

"Who's that?" Asuka called in annoyance.

"FBI!" yelled a voice. "Open up!"

"The FBI?" the redhead frowned. "What are they doing here?"

"Never mind that," replied Misato. "What are they doing in _Japan_?"

"If you don't open the door, we're coming in!" the voice continued smugly.

Misato took another sip of beer. "I wonder who they're after," she commented.

"Not me," Shinji said quickly as he hurried off to lock himself in the bathroom.

"Three! Two! One…"

"Oh, all right, hang on," Misato grumbled as she hauled herself up off the chair and made her way to the door. "Can I help you?" she asked, opening it.

"Yes, ma'am," one of the FBI agents nodded. There were about ten of them, each carrying a submachine gun and wearing a grim expression. They all looked as though they could use a healthy dose of Viagra. "We're after Shinji Ikari."

"Sure, that's his room," Misato said, jerking her head. "Go wait for him there, he's just in the bog."

"Cheers," grunted the FBI man, and they moved towards Shinji's bedroom, cocking their guns as they went.

"You're not going to use those, are you?" Misato asked suspiciously.

"Of course not," the FBI man said with an offended expression on his face. He whispered to the rest of his squad out of the corner of his mouth. "Shoot to kill this bastard."

Misato went back into the kitchen with Asuka, who was gazing out the window looking thoughtful. The redhead spun in surprise when the thunderous sound of heavy automatic gunfire echoed down the disgusting hallway.

"What was that?"

"I didn't hear anything," Misato replied absently, gulping.

Asuka heard the front door open. Allowing her curiosity to get the better of her, she poked her head around the kitchen door just in time to see Pen-Pen with a smoking AK-47 waddling out of the building dragging a bulging sack.

"Oh. Looks like the FBI men have left again," Asuka commented. "Pen-Pen saw them out."

"That's good," Misato commented. "I don't like strange men wandering around the house."

Shinji slunk back into the room then, looking immensely relieved.

"What did they want?" Asuka asked with interest.

"What?" Shinji yelped.

"What did those FBI guys want with you?" the redhead repeated.

"What FBI guys! There were no FBI guys!"

Asuka narrowed her eyes.

"Butter," blurted Shinji.

"Hmm?"

"They wanted… er… to borrow… um… some cheese."

"But you didn't give them any," Asuka frowned, holding the butter up for him to see.

"Oh, I didn't know we had any," Shinji forced a weak laugh. "Oopsie."

The silence that followed was more suspicious than a nun doing pushups in a cucumber field.

"Time for bed, kids," Misato said eventually.

*          *            *

The next day saw Shinji planting himself down on the faded couch with his breakfast – a few slices of toast and his favourite cereal, _Sniveling Dweebs_. Pen-Pen wandered in, munching on a bowl of fish with Gollum-like passion and holding an ice-cold Yebisu. The two of them exchanged a subtle nod and the penguin hopped up to sit beside the boy.

"Four drop-offs today," Shinji murmured casually, taking a bite. Pen-Pen nodded, and waarked a nonchalant question. "Oh, really?" Shinji asked dryly. "You can show Ramone how we deal with backstabbers, can't you?"

The penguin chortled darkly and flipped a fish head into its beak.

That was when Asuka appeared, entering the room with her usual grace, flair and manner that made every male in the room cross their legs. "Mornin', idiot."

"Hey, Asuka," Shinji smiled, subtly shifting a cushion to his groin area.

She plopped down on Shinji's other side and snatched the rest of his toast before she idly picked up the remote and turned the TV on.

An announcer was stating, "Authorities are unsure as to the whereabouts of the FBI squad, but there is no evidence linking their disappearance to the new drug cartel that has, almost overnight, exploded onto the streets of Tokyo-3 with incredible force that has been unseen in the criminal world until now…"

Shinji and Pen-Pen exchanged a mutual glance of understanding, unseen by their oblivious companion.

"This is dumb," Asuka announced. "What else is there… ah! _The Crocodile Hunter_!"

Shinji watched with a cold eye as the camera crew rushed on screen to help pull Steve Irwin free from an irate python's disjointed maw.

"Crikey!" gasped an extremely panicked Irwin just as the hugely satisfied snake gulped one last time and completely swallowed him.

"They don't actually speak like that in Australia, you know," Shinji commented. "Steve Irwin sets a very annoying stereotype for the Australian people, who incidentally hate him for that reason."

"Yeah, sure," said Asuka.

A crash and a slurred curse alerted them to the fact that their model guardian had emerged from the crypt that was her bedroom. She'd spent the night drinking, apparently, as was painfully clear from the way she tried to make out with the lampshade.

"Good morning, Misato," Shinji ventured.

"Hi Misato," Asuka said, glancing over her shoulder before returning to the TV screen, which was displaying a hysterical Terri Irwin sobbing uncontrollably.

"G'mrg," Misato grunted, then pushed off the wall and began to sing in a very drunken voice, "One Yebisu, two Yebisu, three Yebisu…"

"…floor," Shinji and Asuka finished together as Misato collapsed in a sticky heap.

"We're late," Asuka announced. She stood up, abandoning her guardian, the lampshade and Terri Irwin to their respective fates. "See you, Misato!"

*          *            *

Feebly, the aging sensei held up the syringe full of industrial-strength draining fluid and with shaking hands, aimed it towards his heart. Unfortunately, it slipped out of his grasp and shattered on the floor.

"Damn," he cursed, and busied himself trying to lick the fluid from the carpet.

"So, any luck with finding Kensuke?" Shinji asked Touji, glancing over at his friend.

"No," the jock replied, then frowned. "But something really weird happened to me. I was captured and experimented on, but then I escaped."

Shinji levelly looked his friend up and down. "Er… well, I'm glad you're all right," he said carefully.

A roaring sound made the whole class turn to the window overlooking the school courtyard. A bright red and extremely cool-looking motorbike screamed into the school gates on its back wheel, kicking up a trail of dust. Pulling a perfect slingshot, it spun around and stopped perfectly in a car space, Misato-style.

The rider casually got off his machine and gazed about him coolly. He wore a red leather jacket to match his bike, and after a moment he raised his gaze to the window.

"_Kensuke?" gasped Shinji._

Touji blinked in amazement. "What has that cat boner gone and done _this_ time?"

A moment later Kensuke, complete with his new look, was leaning casually against the doorframe of class 2-A. "Heeeey, kids," he grinned easily. "How you fellas doing?"

"K-K-Kensuke?" Shinji whispered in terror. The former nerd swaggered his way over to his desk, the eyes of the entire amazed class following him.

"Yo, Ikari," Kensuke nodded coolly, forming a gun with his fingers and 'firing' it at his friend. "What's up, bro?"

"W-where's your glasses?"

"Contacts," Kensuke explained lazily, lounging back in his chair. "Chicks dig 'em, know what I mean? Oh no," he chuckled. "Of course you don't."

"What the _hell happened to you, Aida!?" demanded Touji with a yell. "Yesterday you were talking about your paperclip collection, now you're like… like…"_

"Cool?" Kensuke smirked.

"What on earth happened to him?" whispered Hikari to Asuka.

"I hear Internet pornography can get pretty extreme," Asuka whispered back seriously. "Maybe he just lost it."

"Yeah," Hikari agreed. "Or maybe the aliens forgot to remove the anal probe."

The entire class was stunned. Gone was the _Resistance is Futile_ shirt, replaced with a black muscle top under the bright red jacket, complete with a silver chain around the neck. The socks and sandals were gone in favour of jet-black motorbike boots. And his _PC Owner_ magazines, so often tucked snugly under his arm, had been discarded, its place taken by a high-tech laser cannon slung casually over the shoulder.

"Don't worry, boys," Kensuke was saying smugly. "I'm not going to bail on you. Hell, you might _learn something from me."_

"Who is that?" one of the girls whispered in astonishment. "What did they say his name was? Kaneda?"

"Kensuke," corrected her friend. "He's been in our class for twelve years now."

"Wow," the first girls murmured, staring at the transformation. "I never noticed him until now."

Touji was going purple with rage, looking like Grimace from the McDonald's Happy Meal. Small objects in the room began to fly around of their own accord and flakes of plaster floated ominously down from the ceiling.

Shinji, in the meantime, was hyperventilating from sheer terror. He hadn't been so afraid since he read all three parts of the _Night of the Living Dummy_ series in one of his all-night, milk-and-cookie _Goosebumps marathons._

"You children can still sign up for some quality time with the Aida-man! Right, ladies?" he winked to the girls of the class, before carelessly tossing a handful of money in the air.

The female portion of the class was unable to reply, so stunned were they by Kensuke's transmogrification.

Aida turned to the front of the class, where the sensei was desperately trying to pierce his jugular vein with a piece of broken glass. "Yo, Mister Kotter, Mister Kotter! We gonna get to some school anytime today?"

Sighing, the sensei suppressed his suicidal urges for another day and turned to the class. "All right," he croaked. "We have a new student here today," he said. "Everyone say hello to Derek Croft."

As Touji grudgingly slammed himself down into his seat and Shinji climbed back into his, the door was flung wide once again and a new figure strode in.

"Hey there, call me DJ," DJ said with a cocky smirk. "What's up?"

Hikari began to cackle. "Fresh meat for the grinder," she snickered.

"Pffft!" snickered Touji to Shinji. "Who the hell is this bumnut?"

"Try hard," snorted Kensuke, who was idly counting his money.

"Why don't you tell us about yourself, DJ?" the sensei suggested in a tone that implied he hoped DJ would do anything but.

"Yeah," DJ said, flashing a perfectly white smile that caught the sunlight in the way that was typical to Mary-Sue characters. He was oblivious to the subtle snickers that were floating about the classroom. "My mother is Lara Croft, my father is Fox Mulder, I can drink NERV Majors under the table, I carry a gun, I ride a motorcycle, I can reprogram the MAGI, defeat Angels on my own, redesign Evangelion parts, outsmart NERV security… I can pretty much do anything in the whole world."

DJ glanced around, his gaze coming to rest on Asuka, and he grinned smugly.

"And I'm an awesome bonk. As I have no doubt you will find out. Honey."

The silence that descended upon the classroom was absolute. It was the silence that fills the ageless void of space, a gaping maw of nothingness from which you get but one impression: this is the utter end of all things.

Every single occupant of the room except for Asuka and DJ suddenly became devoutly religious and began to pray desperately for a freak NERV missile to strike the classroom and blow them all away in a storm of fire and destruction.

The squeal of Asuka's chair as she slowly pushed it back was like nails scraping down the students' spines. The torturous sound ingrained itself within their souls for eternity as Asuka coolly and ever-so-slowly allowed her azure eyes to fix themselves upon the grinning DJ.

Nobody had breathed for several minutes. The room was rank with the smell of cold sweat. Twenty pairs of terrified eyes glued themselves to every nuance of the redheaded girl's movements as she stepped towards the new student.

DJ, still smiling, watched her approach, confident he could handle anything in the same way that a brand new bowling pin is confident before its first game.

"So," Asuka stated. Out of pure reflex a student collapsed, clutching at his heart, while two more shrieked and threw themselves through the glass window, plummeting four stories to the ground – naturally landing in an open dumpster.

DJ opened his mouth as if to say something typically saucy and smug.

The Second Child gazed at DJ calmly. "Save your breath. You're going to need it for your screams." 

DJ's smile flickered for just a moment as Asuka coolly prepared to give this boy his own Neon Exodus.

______________________________________

To be continued…

**=**The Underground Empire**=**   May Odd Grant Us Strength 

Disclaimer: Are you even going to read this, Anno? I doubt it. In either case though, there's not much point in me saying I don't own GAINAX and Evangelion, is there? I mean, who'd give a rat's if I did?


	4. Act 04

==============================================

E V A N G E L I O N  +  U N P L U G G E D

==============================================

By RENEGADE:  renegade_y2j@hotmail.com

**ACT 04: IF ONLY COLONEL SAUNDERS COULD SEE US NOW**

Similarly to the window of a car owned by an egg-toting scumbag, the story began to wind down.

"I don't see why _I_ have to be here," Asuka said loudly, standing in the middle of the hospital foyer with her hands on her hips.

"Well… you were the one that did it, Asuka," Shinji pointed out mildly. Touji, who insisted that he back his friend up in the event of a 'Red Alert', accompanied him. Kensuke had gone to 'take care of a few things… and to have a particular *thing* taken care of' and neither Shinji nor Touji could face him at the moment anyway. Hikari was also with them as Class Rep – high school's form of parole officer, Asuka's in this case.

"All right, but he _did deserve it," the redhead pouted. "Did you see the way he was strutting around? It looked like someone'd sharpened a pencil in his anus."_

"Let's just let it go for now, Asuka," Shinji said carefully. "You're already as controversial as a viral bomb in a daycare center."

Asuka glanced over to Touji, who was standing off to one side, mumbling sulkily to himself. "Damn Kensuke… he thinks he's so much better than me… I'll show him… I'll show them all…"

"Touji?" Shinji ventured.

"_I'm not Akira_!" the jock roared at him furiously. The walls suddenly splintered dangerously. Cracks snaked their way up them with a rumbling sound and the building groaned ominously.

"Wonderful," Asuka snorted. "I can almost hear the Stooge's brain cell sobbing out of sheer loneliness."

Shinji sighed. Could this day get much worse?  _Of course it can_, he reflected sarcastically. _It's Misato's turn to cook tonight. The Third Child reflected glumly back to the last time Misato had prepared her trademark meal – curry. He'd spent the evening chasing his trousers around the room._

The Class Rep nodded and moved to the reception desk. "We're here to see Derek Croft, please."

"Second floor, room B-12," the receptionist replied after typing for a moment. "Please keep the psychic boy under control."

"Thank you," Hikari smiled, then turned to her friends. "Touji!" she snapped. "Stop babbling and get those tentacles to go back into your arse!"

The four of them crammed into the elevator and waited patiently as it began its ascent.

*          *            *

Kensuke carefully lined up his cannon in the direction of the People's Choice Film Studios and grinned at the thought of making another hard-earned buck. The cannon thing was his actor trademark – every film he made from now on would feature him being blasted through the window and straight into action.

He had never been in a long-term relationship before (well, apart his nightly affairs with Mrs. Rosie Palm and her five daughters) and now he could safely say that with a porn star career firmly, as they say, in hand, he would never need one.

He clambered into the barrel and prepared for launch.

*          *            *

As Shinji, Asuka, Touji and Hikari walked through the door to DJ Croft's hospital room, they saw that the doctor was already there, speaking to a nurse.

"Well, one of his testicles has receded for good," the man was saying. "But we managed to save the other one… sort of." The doctor noticed the foursome and smiled at them in a friendly way. "Oh… are you the students from the high school I was told were coming?"

"Yes, I'm Hikari Horaki, the Class Representative," Hikari smiled.

"Nice to meet someone polite," the doctor commented before jerking his thumb at DJ. "This guy kept flirting with my nurses until we gave him a Valium overdose."

"You have no idea how sad it is coming from someone with no balls," the nurse added absently, scribbling on a clipboard.

As the doctor and children were talking, DJ groaned and opened his bleary eyes, unseen to anyone else. His gaze came to rest on a glass of water, to which he gratefully reached out his hand. He swallowed thirstily but suddenly felt something stick in his throat.

DJ began to gag.

"Doctor!" the nurse shrieked, pointing.

"Jesus," the doctor grunted, hurrying around behind DJ and applying the Heimlich maneuver. He glared at the nurse. "You kept it in a _glass_?"

"Sorry," the nurse said, embarrassed.

The Croft boy coughed violently and spat something across the room.

The doctor saw this, and allowing DJ to flop back onto the bed with a groan, he grabbed the nurse by the arm and hissed, "For God's sake, find that thing and get it in some ice before it dissolves!"

"I guess we can kiss goodbye to the Croft gene pool," observed Touji.

"It could have used some decontamination anyway," replied Asuka tartly. "But we've got other things to worry about now. Shinji?"

"Yeah," the boy acknowledged her morosely and turned to their companions. "We've got some tests to do with Doctor Akagi, and we have to report in to tell her about our money-making progress."

"We'll walk with you to NERV," Hikari volunteered.

As the students filed out, DJ Croft slowly regained consciousness once again. He blinked as a nurse entered the room and grinning, opened his mouth.

"Save it, kid, I'm married," the nurse ordered before he could say so much as a word. "I just came to tell you, however, that there is a very… _feminine_ person here to see you."

DJ smirked smugly and casually waved an arm. "Please, show her in."

"Of course," the nurse answered, and DJ noted curiously that her voice carried the same note of smugness as his own.

A slim, pale figure slipped into the room, smiling softly. DJ's cocky grin vanished quicker than an Australian cricketer at a drug test. "Wha… wha… wha…" he stammered, terrified.

"Hello, DJ Croft," greeted Kaworu in his gentle voice. "I have heard many… interesting rumours about you."

"N… n…" babbled DJ, the blood draining from his face.

Kaworu glided across the room and slipped comfortably under the sheets before turning to face the bed's other occupant. "DJ…" Kaworu cooed.

"_Bwaah_!" shrieked DJ, scrabbling to get away. Kaworu gently flicked away the button that would summon the nurse.

"Don't be shy, DJ," Kaworu soothed. "I've brought some friends."

A terrible sinking feeling settled in DJ's stomach when he saw the row of sheep file into the hospital room with a hungry look in their eyes.

"We want this to go on as long as possible," Kaworu commented.

"No!" screamed DJ.

"Yes," corrected Kaworu. "So delay… _release for as long as you can. Think of John Howard and Osama bin Laden French kissing. All right?"_

DJ threw up over the side of the bed.

"That's with _tongues_," Kaworu added unnecessarily.

DJ threw up again.

"Now just relax," commanded Kaworu, nodding to the first five sheep…

*          *            *

Rei gazed about, diligently noting the endless ice cliffs, the howling wind, raging snowstorm, and the fact that it was eight hundred degrees below zero.

"It is cold," she murmured to herself and noted that the Commander would not be very happy about her being in Iceland.

When the helicopter landed, she had exited the box and wandered a few steps. Three seconds later she was hopelessly lost in the blizzard.

And now, a little confused and chilly, but nonetheless unperturbed, Rei calculated the best course of action. Estimating the direction to NERV, Rei blinked once and started walking.

Rei had never been one for holding human contact very high on her 'to do' list but she realised the necessity of it when she noticed a figure materialize out of the blizzard, wandering absently towards her.

As the figure got closer, she was able to take in some details. The silver jumpsuit, sunglasses, sideburns and slicked hair accented the guitar strapped to his back and drew attention away from his slight paunch. But it was the blue suede shoes that Rei noticed first.

"Excuse me," she stated softly in a voice barely heard above the wind.

"Hey, baby," the stranger nodded. "Want a hamburger? Meal fit for a King."

Rei shook her head politely. "Which way is it to the nearest civilized area?"

"Hmm." The tall man absently rubbed his clean-shaven chin. "Well, ah do remember passin' a scientific research base or some such a little way back. Maybe that's what yore after."

Rei nodded. "Thank you."

"Where're you from, honey?"

"Nothingness. I arose from the void within my own heart, fearing and loathing that which cannot be undone and yet yearns to be free from within the recesses of my own borrowed soul. I long for the hour when I may sleep alone in the blackness once again," stated Rei.

The stranger nodded knowledgeably and chuckled. "Yeah, how 'bout that LSD, huh? Ah'm from Graceland, mahself. What're you doin' in Iceland, then?"

"I do not know."

"Yeah," grumbled the stranger. "Funny how that happens, huh? Well, ah'm out of here. Good luck to you."

"Yes. Good luck to you, too."

"Uh-huh-huh. Thangyouverymuch."

*          *            *

"Okay," Ritsuko stated, making a tick on her clipboard. "Now, Shinji, take off your pants."

The Third Child blanched. "But we're in the middle of the lunch room!"

"_Do it_!" roared the scientist, making everyone in the room turn to look.

Blushing, Shinji slowly slid off his trousers. Asuka and Misato stood nearby, snickering.

"Right," Ritsuko nodded. "Now come on."

The scientist, followed by Shinji, Asuka and Misato (who was holding Pen-Pen), marched down the sterile corridors of NERV, technicians pausing in their work every now and again to wonder why the Ikari boy wasn't wearing any trousers.

"Ever since my office was moved, I've been having a bit of trouble finding the way," Ritsuko apologised. "Ah… here we are."

She pushed open the door and they all peered inside the room.

Makoto Hyuga, Shigeru Aoba and Ryouji Kaji were there, wearing nothing but animal-skin loincloths. They were smeared from head to toe in red and blue warpaint and holding ceremonial staffs. They seemed to be dancing around a makeshift campfire in the middle of the room, singing wildly. They stopped and looked up guiltily at their unexpected visitors.

Ritsuko held their stares for a long moment before quietly closing the door once more, and turned to her companions. "I think," she said carefully, "that it was the wrong door, actually."

"Could this be the one?" asked Asuka innocently. "The one with DOCTOR RITSUKO AKAGI stenciled over it in gigantic, blood-red lettering, in a dozen languages?"

Ritsuko booted open the door to her office, supafly-style.

"Oh, _Semmm_-pai!"

"Great," grumbled Misato. "Here comes the chirping sparrow with a sugar high and a death wish."

Indeed, Maya poked her head around the corner of the office, smiling innocently.

Ritsuko ignored her, marching into the office and surveying it with a smile.

"Maya!" she snapped.

"Sempai?" Maya said sweetly, running a finger down her arm.

"It looks like someone's filled the office with televisions, all showing pornography," Ritsuko growled crossly. "Get them all out of here. Also, take down those C-3PO and Tellytubbies posters and turn the music off. I hate kd lang."

"Of course, Sempai," Maya said sulkily. "Anything else?"

 "Yes," Ritsuko stated. "Go away."

After a grumbling Maya had left, Ritsuko planted herself down in her favourite swivel chair and put on her glasses, specifically so that she could peer at Misato over the top of them.

"Well?" the blonde woman demanded. "What progress have you had making money?"

"Oh, we've been doing great, haven't we, guys?" Misato replied cheerfully, ruffling the two pilots' hair. "Asuka, you got a job, didn't you? Where are you wor –"

"No I _didn't_!" screamed Asuka, yanking back. "I _hate_ Burger King!"

Misato pondered this strange revelation. "All right," she said carefully. "But what does Burger King have to do with –"

"_NOTHING_!!"

The Major wiped the spittle from her eye and turned to the still-pantless Third Child, who looked like he was trying to fold himself up so small he'd fit into an extra-dimensional plane. "Well, I know _you got a job, Shinji, because I heard you talking on the phone about… hmm… what was it… 'coke'?"_

"Cake," Shinji corrected her quickly, then slapped his hand over his eyes. "I'm… I'm a nude cake dancer," he told them in a weak voice.

"Wow," Misato said, impressed.

Ritsuko nodded sternly. "Well done, Shinji," she congratulated. "You're the only responsible one here."

Asuka went purple but bit her rage back. She would never reveal the terrible secret of her employment.

"So," Ritsuko continued conversationally, crossing her legs and leaning back. "Want to hang out with me and the MAGI? I just upgraded them."

"No thanks, Ritsu," Misato declined with a sweet smile. _Nerds_, she growled inwardly. _Can't live with 'em… can't slit their throats, cut their bodies up into pieces and hide them in the walls. Yet._

Doctor Akagi looked crestfallen. "Are you sure? I can show you some of the new features of the OS."

"No," Misato said gently, yet oh-so-firmly.

"Please?" Ritsuko begged desperately, hanging on to Misato's arm. "It'll be really cool!"

"No!" Misato frantically tried to pry the scientist free but could not succeed.

"I'm telling Gendo," Ritsuko said airily, and turned to leave.

Katsuragi groaned. "Oh, all right. Show us."

Ritsuko spun with glee. "Come on, then!"

She all but dragged them back down the winding corridors until they arrived at Central Dogma and the three MAGI supercomputers.

"MAGI, coffee!" commanded Ritsuko, snatching up the caffeine-rich substance as it emerged from the depths of the supercomputers. "Now," she said matter-of-factly, firing up her terminal and sipping her drink. "I'll show you the new emergency locator. It can pinpoint the exact location of just about anyone."

"That's convenient."

"Name someone."

"Kaji," said Misato.

Ritsuko typed a few commands and sat back smugly as the MAGI whirred, beeped and generally just computed.

"Aha," Ritsuko said knowledgeably. "Ryouji Kaji's current location is…" she frowned. "Mario's All-You-Can-Screw Love Palace."

"Yeah, sure," laughed Misato. "Whatever."

"Hmm." Ritsuko stroked her chin thoughtfully. "I suppose it must be a bug in the program. I can work it out later."

*          *            *

Zipping his fly, Ryouji Kaji quickly stepped out onto the streets of Tokyo-3, leaving the steamy world of Mario's All-You-Can-Screw Love Palace behind him. Four scantily-clad young females waved goodbye to him from a second floor window.

His spy senses conveyed to him a strange and somehow unpleasant sensation that he had just been detected. He frowned and pulled up his coat collar, stalking off into the seedy streets.

*          *            *

"All right," Ritsuko said crossly. "So Kaji didn't work. Name someone else."

"Hikari," offered Asuka.

"H-I-K-A-R-I H-O-R-A-K-I," spelled Ritsuko as she typed it in. Waiting patiently until the computers stopped their calculation, she peered at the screen again. "Hikari is currently located at… Monster Moe's Final Fight Wrestling Ring…?"

"Pfft," snorted Asuka. "Looks like your dumb program has seen better days, Doctor Akagi."

*          *            *

With a bloodthirsty scream, Hikari tore off her school shirt to the cheers of her many fans, revealing a figure-hugging green and yellow lycra bodysuit that was specifically responsible for the massive drop in work attendance across the country.

She sauntered into the center of the ring and blew a kiss to the cameras as her burly opponent lurched towards her. Smiling coldly, she contemptuously booted the man in the testicles and hammered him in the back of the neck.

With a grin that was so chilling it would have made even Touji shiver, Hikari climbed up onto the turnbuckle and prepared to deliver a crushing elbow drop.

She shook away the strange feeling that someone was watching her – after all, there were a thousand people in the audience, all baying for blood and calling her name. Why shouldn't she think she was being watched?

*          *            *

"This can't be right!" Ritsuko said, frustrated. "I installed all the components myself…"

"Losing your touch, Ritsuko?" Misato chuckled.

"No!" snapped the blonde scientist. "Try one more. Name someone."

"Rei," ventured Shinji.

Muttering curses to herself, Ritsuko tapped the keyboard and sullenly waited for it to present the results. When they arrived, Ritsuko let out a howl of frustration. "_Iceland_!?" she screamed. "What the hell is wrong with this piece of crap?"

"Quite," Misato said, smiling. "Well, Ritsu, it's been a blast as always but we really do have to go."

"Yes, go away," snapped Ritsuko, pulling her screwdriver free and going to work on the MAGI's circuit boards. "I want another progress report tomorrow."

Ritsuko listened to snatches of the conversation as it faded away.

"Misato, can I put my trousers back on?"

"No, Shinji, I'm afraid you can't."

"But why?"

"Don't ask questions, Shinji. Now be quiet; me and Asuka are taking the train home, but you have to walk home through the ghetto…"

Ritsuko sighed and went to work. She pulled out circuit boards, reconnected wires, installed components and painted holy sigils to the Machine God over the casing.

"There," she said in satisfaction, wiping her brow. "Phew. MAGI! Coffee!"

The blonde scientist frowned as a strange whining and buzzing sound emanated from the labyrinthine depths of the MAGI's operating system. The trapdoor opened all right, but instead of coffee, there was a glass mug filled with a strange purple liquid that fizzed and bubbled.

"What the hell is this?" Ritsuko mumbled, narrowing her eyes and peering at the substance. "Well, whatever it is, _I'm not drinking it!"_

She placed it down on the terminal before storming from the room. She was too stressed; deciding that she needed some amusement, she wandered down to the testing labs to set the monkeys free.

At that moment, Pen-Pen ducked out from under a shoebox and snatched up the purple liquid. Snickering cruelly, he hurried out of the room.

Being the co-owner of a drug cartel was so unsatisfying. Being overlord, though… now that was an aspiration Pen-Pen truly believed in. When he arrived back at Misato's, he quietly hid the potion in the First Aid kit, where it would be safe… it never got used in the Katsuragi household, no matter how many people died.

*          *            *

"Damn it to hell!"

Rei turned at the unexpected curse and was surprised to see a large installation looming up out of the blizzard. Casually approaching it, she noticed the source of the previous words – a man in a heavy coat stomping about outside the gates.

"What are you doing?" Rei asked softly.

"Eh?" The man turned. "Oh… I've locked myself out."

"Can you not just climb over the walls?"

"I'm Gunnar Solejski, not Gordon Freeman," the man snapped. "I'm a scientist, not a… scientist."

Rei stood statue-still. If she had been in a park, she would have received a free pigeon-pooh makeover.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Gunnar grumbled. "It's been a tough day, you know? I just really need to get inside."

Lifting her finger, Rei blew the gate apart with her AT Field.

Now it was Gunnar's turn to be surprised. "Wow," he commented, impressed. "I don't suppose you know anything about genetic manipulation and cloning, do you?"

Rei blinked.

*          *            *

"Well, here they are," Gunnar said, anxiously hovering over Rei's shoulder. Rei vaguely wondered if she should offer him a cracker as she nonchalantly walked down the rows and rows of dormant clones. She paused and cocked her head to one side, critically analyzing them like a village chief trying to decide which virgin to cast into the volcano.

The clones had shaved heads and unblinking, blood red eyes. Pieces of robotic skeletal parts protruded from their skin, which itself was poorly attached. Each had a barcode imprinted on its forehead and carried a high-tech laser rifle.

"What do you want all these clones for?" Rei asked softly.

Gunnar looked embarrassed and shuffled his feet, sticking his hands into the pockets of his labcoat, which was so stiff with starch you could crash a tank into it and it still wouldn't budge. "Well…" he began nervously. "I… want you to keep this to yourself, okay?"

"If I am ordered to, I will do it," Rei stated flatly.

"Oh." Gunnar brightened visibly. "In that case… I order you to help me develop these clones so that I can use them as my own personal army and take over Tokyo-3."

A slight frown crept over Rei's features.

"Can you keep a secret, then?"

Rei nodded reluctantly.

Gunnar glanced from side to side before leaning in close and whispering conspiratorially. "Good. Because I'm wearing ladies' underwear."

*          *            *

Shinji smoothed over his brand-new Armani suit and glanced casually around the lounge room. Asuka hadn't even looked up from her book and Shinji grew indignant. He had hoped Asuka would notice him so that he could pretend he didn't know what she was talking about.

The girl, it seemed, was too self-absorbed to even acknowledge his continued existence. Sure, she was smart, beautiful and had that manner that caused everyone in the room to instantly pop a boner – even animals, females and corpses – but Shinji had hoped she would get down off her high horse just long enough to see his new suit.

"Very nice," Asuka commented absently, not looking up.

Shinji blinked in surprise. "How did you… I mean, I don't know what you're talking about."

"Mmm," Asuka replied, her pupils furiously speeding down the page like Mafioso escaping from a crime scene. "That's your bad dress sense solved, I suppose. What are you going to do about your other problems?"

"Other problems?" Shinji said indignantly. "Like what?"

"Well for starters, you could grease a kitchen tray with your hair…" Asuka observed casually.

"I –"

"And you talk as if someone's wound a rubber band around your gonads…"

"Well –"

"You're about as intelligent as a slab of hanging beef.…"

"But –"

"Your breath is so bad it could stain walls…"

"All right!" Shinji shouted. "I get it."

"Your face looks like that of an agitated marmot," Asuka continued, ticking things off on her fingers.

"_Hey_!" Shinji yelled.

"And we all know about the farting," Asuka concluded.

Shinji went bright red. "F-f-farting?" he whispered.

"In bed," the redhead clarified mildly, then laughed. "What? You don't think we notice when we're trying to sleep at night? At first I thought you were trying to play the tuba but not even a tuba can get notes that low. They're so loud they could set off the Angel alarms!" She fell about, cackling and clutching her sides while Shinji glowered.

"You lie in bed at night and see how high you can blast your blanket!" Asuka screeched gleefully before falling about laughing again.

Shinji blushed. He'd hoped no-one knew about that. It was one of his guilty pleasures. 

"I swear, if you keep going at the rate you are, you're going to force a new universe into existence," Asuka was saying.

"Now, Asuka, I can explain," he lied. He desperately tried to formulate a credible excuse but was unable to come up with anything even remotely possible. "What're you reading?" Shinji asked, hoping to change the topic.

He picked up a couple of Asuka's books before she could snatch them away. "_Sun Tzu's Art of War_," Shinji read aloud. "_The Communist Manifesto_, by Marx and Engels. Che Guevara's _Guerrilla Warfare. And you've downloaded the Terrorist's Handbook. Asuka," he said somewhat nervously as the books were snatched from his hands, "What are you planning?"_

"Nothing," snapped the redhead, gathering everything up and moving towards her bedroom.

Suddenly, the door was blown from its hinges with a thunderous explosion, sending Shinji and Asuka tumbling to the floor in a storm of debris. "What the hell!?" gasped Asuka as men burst into the room.

"Uh-oh," muttered Shinji, crawling behind the breakfast counter. Asuka hurried after him, just as the lounge room erupted with gunfire.

"Senor Piece-of-shit!" yelled one of the men. They were wearing fatigues, sported long moustaches, tattoos and wide-brimmed hats. They carried AK-47's. "You come out and die now!"

"I think they're talking to you," whispered Asuka, attempting to push Shinji into plain view.

"Oh, I doubt that," Shinji replied, desperately taking the fridge into a death grip so that Asuka's shoving wouldn't prematurely end his life.

"Talk to them!" hissed Asuka, giving up.

"Erm… hello?" Shinji called hesitantly from behind the counter. "Can we help you?"

"Ah, you are home! Good, senor!" the foreign man laughed. "I am Michel, and I have message from Juan 'El Diablo', King of the South! You think you can fuck with Colombian cartels and get away with it, bitch?"

"Er… aheh heh heh…" Shinji laughed weakly, glancing guiltily at Asuka, who was glaring furiously at him. "Well, actually… I don't know what you're talking about."

"Shinji, you're as shallow as United States war propaganda, and just as laughable," Asuka growled.

"Senor Diablo wants you to know," the Colombian mercenary shouted. "That he send you his finest regards and he hope you die screaming!"

As one, the mercenaries jammed their fingers down on the triggers of their guns and peppered the breakfast counter with more holes than George Bush's patriotic speeches. As the roar of gunfire ceased, the men roared with glee and high-fived one another while Michel stood yelling. Asuka and Shinji picked themselves up.

"Pen-Pen!" screamed Shinji. "Take them out!"

From Shinji's room, the warm water penguin just snorted. This was the perfect opportunity to off Shinji without it looking suspicious. Pen-Pen ducked back out of sight. He could deal with these fools after they were done being his unwitting pawns.

"Pen-Pen!" Shinji screamed again.

"He's not coming," Asuka said.

"What do we do? What do we do?" Shinji babbled desperately, cowering at another burst of gunfire, wishing he owned a pair of brown trousers.

"Only one thing we can do," Asuka said casually. "It's time to take out the trash."

She grabbed the small garbage bag and prepared to make a run for the back door.

"Don't you think we should deal with the mercenaries first?" Shinji frowned.

"Oh, all right," Asuka grumbled. She pulled a handgun from her back pocket.

"Where in the name of Buddha's puffy nipples did you get that!?" Shinji gasped.

"DJ Croft," Asuka replied, cocking it. "When I was playing piñata with his ball-bag he dropped it."

"Oh." Shinji sat back. "I was wondering what significance he had to the story."

"Don't worry," Asuka assured him. "He's out of it now."

*          *            *

DJ Croft howled in agony as Kaworu dragged the red hot poker across his back once again.

"What's my name, slut!?" the seventeenth Angel yelled.

"Please! Nooo!"

"Wrong. Answer." Kaworu's eyes narrowed and he picked up a cruelly barbed whip, at the same time nodding to the six-hundred pound hog that was waiting patiently by the hospital bed.

"If you can't take it," Kaworu screeched, "Then you shouldn't…"

*crack* "Aargh!"

"Take…"

*crack* "Aiee!"

"My…"

*crack* "NoOoOo!"

"_Money! Bitch!!_"

*CRACK* "Aaargh!"__

"_Squeal, piggy!_"

*          *            *

Shinji and Asuka ducked their heads as bullets pounded into the walls around them. Flakes of plaster floated down from above like dandruff from Aoba's hair and their surroundings looked like they were ready to collapse at any time.

"Enough of this," Asuka snarled.

Before Shinji could stop her, she pulled on a long dark trenchcoat and slipped on some dark glasses. Checking the rounds in her Arrow 9mm, she narrowed her eyes and dived out.

Rolling, Asuka leaped to her feet and squeezed the trigger twice, pounding two Cartel mercenaries from their feet.

Yelling, the mercenaries followed Michel's instructions and tried to draw a bead on her movements but the redhead dived through a convenient glass wall in slow motion, firing her gun all the while. More soldiers flew across the room.

"Bullet in the Head!" Asuka screeched gleefully.

Gunfire pounded the walls and floor around her but she coolly dropped to one knee and drew out a new clip from her trenchcoat. 

"So… you are The Killer!" snarled a tall mercenary, pushing his way to the front and lowering the nozzle of a deadly flame-thrower.

Asuka growled and dashed to her left, jumping and rolling across the table, upturning it as the jet of flame washed the area she had been standing just two seconds before. The room started to burn with bright hot flames.

"This is going to be a City on Fire," Asuka muttered, checking her Arrow 9mm as more AK-47 bullets pummeled the upturned table. Popping up, she fired one bullet into the flame-thrower's tank, causing it to explode and its wearer scream in agony. He leaped headfirst through the window in a storm of broken glass.

Snarling, Asuka pulled the trigger once again and was rewarded with… nothing. The gun was jammed. "Damn," she spat, throwing it away. "Broken Arrow."

Rolling out, she pulled up two Uzis from the dead mercenaries and dived, coat flapping, dark glasses glinting, sideways, pulling down on both triggers. Mercenaries howled and collapsed, clutching at their chests.

Finally, it was just the leader, Michel. He growled and his hand, which held a desert eagle, started twitching. Asuka picked herself up, coolly threw away the Uzis and swept up a handgun of her own.

They stared at one another. Then dived.

Grappling and firing shots randomly, the two enemies fell to the floor, rolled and stopped at the same time. Lying on the floor facing one another, each pressed a gun to the other's temple.

"Wow," murmured Shinji, peeping over the top of the breakfast bar. "It's a Face/Off."

"You're empty," Michel sneered.

Asuka blinked. "No I'm not."

She fired, decorating Misato's bedroom door with Michel's head. Dusting herself off, she stood up and gazed dispassionately around the roomful of slaughtered corpses. "It's going to be A Better Tomorrow," she declared.

"Asuka…" Shinji said in awe as he emerged from his hideaway. "That was…"

"Yes, I know," Asuka said carelessly, tossing her long red hair over her shoulder.

"That was so exciting I have to go to the John! Woo, you're good, Asuka."

"Well, thank you, Ikari. Oh, _damn!"_

"What!? What is it!?" Shinji said in alarm, hurrying over.

"I have to get to wor… I mean, I'm late for my period. I'll see you later!"

Asuka dashed out of the room and Shinji sighed, wondering if he would ever understand her. Deciding that he had things to do as well, he gingerly stepped over the bodies and wandered into his bedroom.

Pen-Pen was lying there, on his back, breathing shallowly.

"Pen-Pen!" shrieked Shinji. "You must have been clipped by a bullet!"

He swept up the wounded – and _extremely irate – penguin and carried him into the bathroom. Pulling open the drawer he retrieved the First Aid kit._

"Don't worry, partner," Shinji assured him. "I'll get you some brandy and then I'll get Horatio to take a look at you… he was a medic in Vietnam."

As he fussed over the traitorous penguin's wounds, Shinji's grasping hand caught hold of what he assumed was the brandy bottle. Withdrawing it he saw that it was, in fact, an unusual purple liquid that was constantly bubbling and fizzing. Shrugging – his alcoholic experiences had been limited to Misato's Yebisu theatre, roles that surely would have gotten her an Oscar – he poured the liquid down a frantically resisting Pen-Pen's throat.

"Now, now," Shinji admonished. "You need this, and… oh, hey." Ikari glanced at his watch. "I'm supposed to be meeting Touji in twenty minutes. I'll see you later."

Dropping the violently shaking penguin to the ground, Shinji turned away and cheerfully strolled out of the house. Bubbles started coming out of Pen-Pen's mouth and ears.

Misato's bedroom door opened and the Major herself appeared, yawning after a peaceful nap. She glanced around the devastated lounge room, peppered with bullet holes, torn almost to pieces and piled high with bloody corpses.

She blinked in bemusement.

"What did I miss?"

*          *            *

Another legion of clones marched past like the ants in the Rammstein music video clip.

"Excellent, most excellent," Gunnar Solejski cackled maniacally, rubbing his hands together gleefully. "Rei Ayanami, you have proven most useful."

Rei said nothing.

"You don't talk much, do you?" Gunnar frowned.

The girl blinked and turned to him. "You would rather that I talk about the sky, mountains, red (the colour I hate), Ikari, the pilot of Unit-02…"

"Geez, this broad doesn't shut up," grumbled the mad scientist. "Okay, listen up, chief: we're almost ready to march on Tokyo-3."

"Why?" asked Rei bluntly.

"Today Japan…" Gunnar drew in a deep breath. "Tomorrow… the world!"

"I do not wish to take over the world," stated Rei.

Gunnar frowned mightily. "You said that if you were ordered to, you would do it."

He waggled his finger at her theatrically a few times and swept out of the automatic doors, leaving the First Child alone.

All was silent.

"Fuck," said Rei.

*          *            *

Shinji sighed as Touji bent over and let another one rip.

They were in the Tokyo-3 municipal park, and had been for the last two hours. Shinji was seated on a bench while Touji pranced around practicing his flatulence.

As the Third Child looked on, Touji clenched his teeth and an expression of extreme concentration came over his face as he squeezed. He was rewarded with a long, drawn out, fruitily fragrant arse-blast.

"Speak, oh mighty chocolate lips!" yelled Touji victoriously, and fell about laughing.

Ikari rolled his eyes. This had been his only entertainment for the last two hours; he had no idea one fourteen-year-old could hold so much methane.

*ffrrt*

"Pheew! Who let Fluffy off the chain?"

"Hey, Touji," Shinji ventured. He was ignored.

*ffffrrrrt*

"Who needs rhythm, who needs soul, I have music… in my hole!"

"_Hey, Touji_," Shinji repeated, this time a little louder. Again, his friend was ignorant of his pleas for attention.

"And now," shouted Touji, bending _way _over, "Behold, ye multitudes… the Messiah!!"

*_FFFFFFFRRRRRRT*_

There was a deafening _crack_.

"Touji!" yelled Shinji, this time in alarm.

"Oh, Jesus, the pain!" moaned Touji, rolling around on the ground.

"Oh my God Touji, you just blew your anus into that tree over there!"

"Get it back! Oh please, Shinji, get it back!" gasped Touji, obviously in pain.

"Erm… couldn't you get someone else to?"

"Come on, Shinji, I could die!"

"Er… all right…"

Jogging the three hundred-odd meters to the crash site, Shinji hoisted himself up into the branches of the tree and gingerly reached out a hand to the disembodied bottom. Holding his breath, he grabbed hold of it and pulled it from its perch.

"Can you do anything with it?" groaned Touji from the footpath when Shinji returned. The Fourth Child was quickly regretting his anal harmonics routine.

Shinji narrowed his eyes and glared at Touji. "Why… what exactly do you _want_ me to do with it?" he demanded suspiciously, examining the fleshy object in his hands.

"Call an ambulance…"

*          *            *

Misato frowned. She had her ear pressed against the door to Asuka's room and could hear some very disconcerting voices coming from inside.

"We will not accept this shame! The Yakuza does not suffer such fools as you, Mimo, lightly!"

"Your reign of terror is over, Wang So Lung," came another voice. Both had strangely lilting accents and seemed to be low to the ground. "Crawl back into the darkness you came from… fiend."

"So be it, gaijin. Know this, however… the Yakuza will have bloody vengeance on all Meemits!"

"Indeed, perhaps you shall, vermin. However, although we may fall, the glorious Meemit Revolution will march ever onwards! Our bodies may die, but our spirits will yet be free!"

"Idealists," came the snarled reply.

There was the sound of a globule of saliva hitting the ground, and then Asuka's door was flung open. Misato instinctively shrunk back into the shadows and watched as a pack of sleek, black-furred rats slunk out of the room and exited the apartment through the front door, muttering darkly to themselves.

"Curiouser and curiouser," Misato mused. She peeped around the corner into the room…

But there was no-one there.

*          *            *

"Hang on a sec," grunted Bobby LeMora, director of the adult films produced by the People's Choice Studios. "There's something weird on the news, here…"

Kensuke disengaged and moved over to peer over his boss's shoulder. He frowned. "Is that… a bum?"

"Yeah," confirmed the cameraman. "Some guy apparently farted and blew it off. Neat party trick."

"Mmm," agreed Bobby. "Or… porno trick."

Kensuke's eyes narrowed as LeMora leaned in closer to get a better look at the meaty lump.

"What's more… it's better than yours, Ken, even if it is a little puffy. Mike! Find out whose cheeks they are and get them a job here."

"What!" yelled Kensuke. "Who does it belong to!?"

He shoved the director out of the way and peered closely at the character strapped to the stretcher, as he was loaded into an ambulance.

"Touji," Kensuke spat through gritted teeth.

*          *            *

There were, of course, many times when Misato questioned her sanity. Indeed several NERV tests had proven her mentally unstable, clinically psychotic and irreparably psychologically disturbed as well as forcing the purple-haired woman to legally declare herself insane, which was why she always had a backup career as a bus driver were Majoring ever to dry up.

Right now, however, she was poised outside the kitchen door, listening to yet another mysterious exchange.

"Stand down your warriors, Vasquez, no more blood need be shed here today." It was the same voice that Misato had heard earlier in Asuka's room.

"Eh, there can be no rest, Mimo, while our brothers lie dead upon the ground. You know this."

"You fought with honour, Vasquez, but this place is ours, now."

"Si, hombre, this I see. Very well, we go. Know, Mimo, that we will return one day and repay this debt of blood so that our fallen brothers' honour may be restored."

"As you say, Vasquez. The Meemits will await your return, but our Revolution will not be stopped."

"We will see, my friend. We will see. Hola, amigos, we go!"

 Misato tensely fingered her pistol as a large group of cockroaches exited the kitchen and marched silently yet proudly towards the front door.

She took a deep breath, drew her gun, and burst into the kitchen. "Freeze, turds!"

Empty.

Misato lowered her gun and gazed about her suspiciously.

*          *            *

Asuka ducked an airborne Whopper and silently cursed the world for putting her in this position. The Burger King restaurant was complete chaos. As the cowering manager frantically gestured for her to step out into the open and attempt to restore order, Asuka gritted her teeth and consoled herself with the fact that tonight would be the night… the glorious October Revolution.

*          *            *

Miserably, Shinji walked down the street upon which stood their vile apartment. As he turned the corner towards the final stretch, however, he stopped short.

There were police cars surrounding the building, officers warily stationed up and down the footpath, guns drawn, aimed at his bedroom window. Police and news helicopters buzzed about in the sky.

Glancing down at the suitcase full of money, his takings from the day and likely the only money he was going to be able to escape with, Shinji made a decision.

He turned and ran for it.

"Sorry, Pen-Pen. This is it."

*          *            *

Touji jerked awake and glanced around his hospital room. "Wow, this is just like my dream… except where's the tunnel with the fire in it?"

Images swarmed his head. "Argh," he gasped angrily, clutching his head before yelling, "You can't keep me here! Never!! AaAaRgh! _Where is Akira_!?!"

He clenched his eyes shut, and… _pushed_…

With a thunderous boom, the wall blew outwards in a shower of plaster and debris. Touji, dressed in his hospital gown, marched into the corridor, maniacal grin on his face. The security guards were already coming.

"_Kensuke_!" he yelled. "This is it!"

*          *            *

Asuka leaned against the crumbling brick wall of the alleyway, patiently awaiting the hour. She idly cast off her Burger King uniform revealing camo fatigues beneath and, reaching into a nondescript garbage can, pulled out her automatic rifle. Draping herself with ammo belts, she rubbed her face with camo paint and turned.

Rank upon rank of small, grey Meemit warriors stood grimly before her, each armed with an M-16. They raised their eyes towards their leader.

Asuka gazed proudly about her at the glorious Meemit Revolution. She raised her head and spoke. "If you tremble with indignation at every injustice… then you are a comrade of mine!"

A deafening chorus of cheers swept over her and Asuka gave them a feral grin as they fired their guns into the air.

"Already you have cast out the vermin and insect oppressors. But the Revolution marches on! We will not rest until the city is ours!"

The redhead raised her gun and screamed, "When oppression becomes reality, resistance becomes duty! Forward, bearers of the true word! Forward, children of the glorious Revolution! Forward, Meemits!"

With a roar, the miniscule soldiers of the Revolution poured out into the streets, driven onwards by the fire in their blood and the pride in their hearts. Pushing through the mass of screaming citizens, Asuka clambered grimly onto a burning, overturned bus.

"Meemits! This is it!"

*          *            *

He gunned the engine and lowered his visor. Strapping his laser cannon to his back and straightening his red jacket, Kensuke narrowed his eyes and tore off on his blood-red motorbike, dodging traffic and intersections as if he were the main character in a Master System game.

"Touji, you did this, not me," he muttered darkly as the wind whipped across his face. "Well, I'll stop you. This is it."

*          *            *

"We can't hold them! We don't know what to do!" screamed the JSSDF commander into his radio as the tank to his left burst in a spectacular explosion. A squad of expressionless clones marched up, laser guns chattering.

The commander raised his eyes helplessly; the line was dead. All over this sector of the city his troops were being pushed back.

The clones parted and Rei Ayanami stepped forth from the shadows.

"This is it," she stated.

*          *            *

Pen-Pen belched forth a stream of purple bubbles and howled in agony as violent spasms wracked his avian form. He gazed viciously at the now empty beaker that had held the elixir that had caused him all this trouble.

An explosion ripped through his mind. Roaring in fury, Pen-Pen began to grow. Bigger. Bigger. The gigantic penguin burst through the roof of the apartment and bellowing in anger, began to waddle thunderously towards downtown Tokyo-3.

*          *            *

As the gigantic penguin, fugitive drug dealer, psychic maniac, vigilante biker, Meemit revolution and clone army all began to converge on the city centre, the watching citizens of Tokyo-3 reflected bitterly that life had been much better before fanfiction screwed them up.

______________________________________

To be concluded…

=The Underground Empire=   May Odd Grant Us Strength 

Disclaimer: I don't own GAINAX or Evangelion. I bet you're crying a million tears for me, right?


	5. Act 05

==============================================

E V A N G E L I O N  +  U N P L U G G E D

==============================================

By RENEGADE:  renegade_y2j@hotmail.com

**ACT 05: BUGGER THIS FOR A GAME OF SOLDIERS**

In a completely different fashion to teenage slasher movies, the story finished at the end.

To be honest, Shinji Ikari was feeling more confused than Adam and Eve on Mother's Day. Having arrived in the centre of town, he had noted that there seemed to be a clone army fighting a vicious street battle against a race of small, grey aliens.

Shinji frowned and said to the sky, "But I didn't even eat any magic mushrooms."

His musings were cut short as a barrage of laser guided Tiberium chem-missiles streaked overhead and humourously detonated a Ferrari, causing its owner to stop talking on his mobile phone and look dumbfounded.

"Never give up! Never surrender!" squeaked a Meemit as it rushed past with a squad of its comrades, all of them firing machineguns at the emotionless clones. Shinji frowned and scratched the back of his head, before squawking in alarm as a nearby explosion threw him to the ground.

"Great, just great," Shinji groaned helplessly, flailing his arms and legs like a wind-up Diver Hero Action Man toy. "It can't get much worse than this."

"Heya everyone!" shrieked a nearby voice that was accompanied by an out-of-tune guitar. "We love you all! Here we go! _MMMBop ba du ba dop / Ba do bop ba du ba dop_…" The painfully familiar chords began.

"Damn, I'd like to get my hanson whoever's singing that song," cursed Shinji. He gasped and rolled out of the way of an oncoming JSSDF battle tank, watching nervously as it swivelled around and crushed the long-haired musicians beneath its iron-shod tracks. The band's agonised wailing filled the air but were quickly cut short.

"Sounds better than when they sing," commented Shinji idly, hauling himself to his feet. Suddenly, Ikari felt his eyes bug as the details of his next challenge forced themselves upon him.

"My God," he murmured in astonishment. "Over the last few days I've been attacked by a gigantic rat in a battlesuit, set up a cocaine empire in the middle of Tokyo-3 with a warm water penguin as my partner, witnessed DJ Croft's testicles rise further into his body than I thought was humanly possible, been involved in a gunfight with mercenaries from a Columbian drug cartel, rescued a severed anus from the confines of a pine tree, escaped a city-wide manhunt and landed in the middle of a war between aliens and clones, but _this_ takes the cake."

He shuffled his feet nervously.

The eighty-storey tall penguin stared down at him with undisguised fury.

"Hello, Pen-Pen," Shinji said weakly, feebly attempting to hide the suitcase full of money behind his back.

With a roar, Pen-Pen brushed aside a skyscraper and irritably swatted aside some helicopters that were warily circling him like wasps around a cottage pie. The monstrous bird stepped forwards, each impact of its flippers against the ground resounding like an earthquake.

Pen-Pen swept a squeaking Shinji up into his flipper and glared at him with baleful eyes that displayed an awesome amount of raw penguin fury, this insignificant human who had tried to flee with his money.

"Pen-Pen, I can explain!" shrieked a terrified Shinji, desperately trying to pull away from the bird's iron grip. "It was Ramone! He wanted to – _uh_!"

Roaring his defiance, the building-sized penguin stomped down the streets towards the city centre.

*          *            *

The little beeping noise was becoming incessant and Kouzou Fuyutsuki was almost ready to throttle Ikari from behind.

"Commander," he grated. "I wonder if you might answer the call? It's been going non-stop for nearly forty-five minutes…"

"Hmm?" Ikari grunted noncommittally, not turning around. "What're you on about now?"

"The beeping noise," Fuyutsuki hissed in a cracked voice that was teetering dangerously on the edge of Insanity Abyss.

"It's not a call," the Commander informed his subordinate. "I'm playing my Game Boy. Smile!" He snapped a picture of the purple-with-rage Vice Commander with the miniscule Game Boy Camera. "Heh heh heh," chuckled Ikari Snr. "Now watch, I can give you a big black moustache…"

Fuyutsuki swallowed, reflecting that it was no wonder he required the constant and regular services of highly-experienced courtesans to relieve him of the insurmountable stress and pressures of his job. Not for the last time, he regretted not becoming a fireman.

"Wait a second," Fuyutsuki growled. "The little red light on your desk… it's blinking. There _is_ a damn distress call!"

"Oh…" Ikari paused. "Well, you get it."

Grudgingly, Fuyutsuki picked up the handheld receiver. "Hello? Oh… Mr Secretary. You need to speak to the Commander on behalf of the UN?"

"Tell them I'm not here," hissed Ikari, briefly glancing up from the image of Fuyutsuki's head on his Game Boy screen, where he was industriously drawing a huge and very crude wobbly penis protruding from the forehead of his subordinate.

"Ikari's out having his butt cleaned," Fuyutsuki told the phone calmly, all the while glaring at the back of Ikari's head. "What's that? A penguin, you say? Hmm. And a clone army… oh, an alien revolutionary force, I see… yes, a disturbance downtown where a psychic boy destroyed a tank battalion by collapsing a bridge… mmm… some guy wearing a red jacket and riding a bike is hardly cause for alarm, I would have thought…"

Fuyutsuki sniffed. "Yes. No cause for alarm, Mr Secretary. No, no, everything's under control. Okay… bye bye."

He hung up. "The UN wants to dispatch the Evas."

Ikari sighed. "Ah… Shin Sieki Evangelion."

"What does that actually mean?" Fuyutsuki frowned.

Ikari shrugged mildly. "I don't know. Something like 'Rumbling Warrior Goat Cheese Lawnmower,' probably. You know how these Japanese translations always turn out."

"I suppose. What do you want to do now?"

"Not sure." Ikari pondered for a moment. "I guess I should get Kaji over sometime. That all right with you?"

"Well, you'll have to ask your mother but it's all right with me if your friend wants to stay over."

"Har har. What's on TV?"

"_Dungeons & Dragons_..."

"Nah… I'm not in the mood for a comedy…"

*          *            *

"Prepare to die, scum!" screamed Asuka, lobbing a Molotov cocktail into a condensed group of clones, vaporising them faster than plotlines in a porno. All around the smug redhead, buildings were burning and people were screaming, cars exploded and machinegun fire filled the air.

"You!"

Asuka turned, eyes narrowed. Before her stood a medium-sized man, clothing ragged, holding a large weapon that seemed to spit electricity every few seconds. "And just who might you be?"

"My name is Gunnar Solejski," the man snarled. "You are the pubic hair that must be shaved from the scrotum that is Tokyo-3. And I am the man who holds the razor."

Solejski levelled his tesla cannon at the girl and jammed his finger down on the trigger. A bolt of blue-silver lightning forked from the barrel towards the Second Child, who dived and rolled out of the way just in time.

"You'll never succeed, Solejski!" yelled Asuka furiously from behind a pile of debris.

"Anything's possible," Solejski replied smugly, loading his tesla cannon for a second shot.

"Anything?" Asuka frowned, sticking her head up. "Have you ever tried skiing through a revolving door?"

Solejski paused, looking thoughtful. "No," he admitted, and then looked irritated. "All right then. _Some things_ are possible."

"Okay," Asuka said, satisfied. "So do you think it's possible for a fire-breathing robot dragon to swoop down from the sky and carry you off in its jaws?"

"No," sniffed Solejski, just as the gigantic steel beast swept downwards and, roaring furiously, snatched up the mad scientist into its metal maw before launching itself up again, vanishing into the distance, Solejski's screams fading.

"Me neither," said Asuka.

*          *            *

Kensuke's face was pinched, like an unused condom. In a fashion similar to a camel standing confused in the middle of an Antarctic snow blizzard, he was lost; this did not bode well, because it would mean that his manager, Bobby LeMora, would get to and hire Touji before Kensuke could confront his friend.

"Hey… is that you Kensuke?"

Glancing over his shoulder, Kensuke noted the subtle bodily differences that would forever separate male from female and concluded that the person striding purposefully towards him was, in fact, a girl – Hikari, no less.

"Hey, class rep." Kensuke winked lecherously.

"Don't do that," Hikari snapped irritably. "You look like DJ Croft."

"Sorry," Kensuke apologised.

*          *            *

"AaaAaaRgh!" howled DJ as Kaworu dribbled yet more candle wax over his bound form.

"Oh yes," Kaworu breathed in his soft voice. "Now let's make like a faulty elevator and get down."

"_Nyyyaaah_!" screeched DJ in terror as Kaworu beckoned to the heavily built bullock waiting patiently by the bed.

*          *            *

"So, what are you doing here, class rep?"

"Er…" Hikari quickly thrust the green lycra bodysuit behind her back. "Um… I'm going to the hospital, my dad's having a baby."

"Your _what's _having a _what_?!"

"Why don't you stop being a cat boner and offer a girl a lift?" demanded Hikari.

"Actually, I'm going to confront Touji," Kensuke told her apologetically. "I have to get to the… well, _bottom_ of a problem."

"Oh. Well, I'll come if you like," Hikari offered. "I've got nothing else to do."

"What about your dad's pregnancy?" Kensuke frowned as Hikari clambered on the bike behind him.

"Oh…" Hikari paused. "Oh, there'll be other pregnancies. He's always having babies."

"I… see," Kensuke said hesitantly, then made the bike roar louder than a constipated Vin Diesel on the toilet in order to cover his discomfort. "Well, let's go then."

*          *            *

Rei Ayanami poked her head out from behind a ruined wall. Pulling back, she frowned slightly, pondering. "Why am I crying?" she asked herself softly.

"You _did_ take a bullet in the bum-bum," offered a clone.

"Oh." Rei hesitated. "Yes."

" Master Solejski is dead," the clone continued. "The task of glorious conquest falls to you, Mistress Ayanami."

"Yes," Rei replied with a hint of sarcasm. "Well, in fact –"

"_Ayanami_!"

Rei turned and witnessed Asuka rise like a fluctuation in Afghanistan's stock market. "I should have known you were behind this," the redhead snarled. "How many times do I have to flush you before you go away?"

"Well, actually…" Rei attempted.

"Save it! I'm going to end this… _now_!!"

Asuka launched herself with typical anime grace and, screaming her lungs out, barrelled into the blue-haired girl, knocking her to the ground. The clones and Meemits stopped fighting and turned to look at the struggle. The Meemits cheered at Asuka's apparent victory.

The redhead stood smugly over Ayanami, assault rifle pointed down, ample chest heaving from exertion. "So, Wondergirl," Asuka snickered. "What did you think of that? What's going through your mind right now?"

Rei pondered for a moment. "I am thirsty."

Asuka frowned. "That's it? I stand on the brink of a victorious social revolution, having crushed your clone army, and all you can tell me is that you're _thirsty_?"

Rei shrugged. "I wish for a drink of water."

"Well, don't worry, Wondergirl." Asuka gave her a feral grin. "In the new city I will build from the ashes of this one, everyone will be equal and free! No-one will ever need water again!"

"Do you speak," Rei questioned, "of building a city that lies deep beneath the sea?"

The Second Child hesitated, but before she could bite out a reply, the ground heaved.

*          *            *

"Get back! _Get back_!" Touji screamed, clutching his head. He stumbled about and mumbled incoherently, reminding the army colonel that watched him of Tom Jones on stage.

"What's the matter Tetsuo? Does it hurt?" the colonel demanded in his gruff voice.

Touji sniffed, wiped his nose and absently hoisted his crotch up a little higher. "Well, yeah, kinda. But why do you keep calling me Tetsuo?"

The jock turned and gazed over the Tokyo-3 sports stadium and wrapped his red cape tighter about him, grimacing as his chest heaved spasmodically again, then howled in agony as his body began to bulge once more.

The searing blast of heat that sizzled past his face brought him back to his senses.

Touji turned around furiously.

"Touj_iii!!!_"

Suzahara snarled when he saw who it was.

"Kensuk_eee!!!_"

Gritting his teeth, Kensuke Aida fired the laser rifle he had mounted on his shoulder, blasting Touji's arm off. Hikari stood behind him, worried.

"Aargh!" Touji howled, flailing the bloody remnants of his arm about wildly.

"I'd just like to congratulate you on your recent promotion to adult film stardom, Touji!" snarled Kensuke, taking aim again. "Now, if you'd be so kind as to pull the knife out of my back, you'll probably need it to stick into someone else's…"

His voice trailed off. As the jock's mutations began, Kensuke allowed his jaw to drop. Suzahara was going through more changes than a cheerleader at an expensive dress shop.

With a bestial roar, Touji's body exploded outwards into a gigantic mound of flesh and gristle…

*          *            *

The ground groaned and heaved. Clones and Meemits were thrown from their feet. Rei and Asuka clutched onto one another, their feud forgotten for the moment, surprise etched on their faces. Touji's massive bulk rolled in before them, growing larger by the second, clone warriors screaming as they were absorbed into the volatile mass of flesh.

Kensuke and Hikari scrambled up alongside Asuka and Rei.

"That's Touji," the class rep panted as she tried to catch her breath.

"Suzahara?" frowned Rei, gazing up at the writhing blob.

"Did he get new shoes or something?" asked Asuka carefully, critically eyeing the jock.

Kensuke coughed. "No, he mutated."

"Oh." Asuka paused, then yelled up, "Hey, Suzahara! Nice face… what are you going to do when the baboon wants its arse back?"

"Now's probably not a good time for that," Kensuke admonished, unslinging his laser cannon again.

"AaaRghHh!" howled Touji in a throaty voice so choked with phlegm it would have rivalled the personality of Robbie Williams in slime and pungency.

"Touj_iii!!_" screeched Kensuke.

"Kennn… _sukeee!!_" bellowed Touji, the tones laced with fear as he lost yet more control. Buildings and streets were being absorbed and crushed for ten blocks all around him. "Hikari's… pain… is ins_iiide_ _meee_!!"

Hikari looked over to Asuka and shrugged.

Then, there was a distant roar. The four companions stopped and stared, and the Meemits and all the remaining clones began to scatter in fear, randomly firing weapons and rockets in all directions.

*          *            *

"Look, Pen-Pen," Shinji offered in what he hoped was a conversational tone. In truth he was terrified out of his mind and wishing the gigantic bird's salmon breath wasn't making him so queasy. "I know this whole thing got off to a shaky start, but I _had_ to run when I saw the cops there, you know I wouldn't have abandoned you…"

Ikari squawked when Pen-Pen hopped down a slope. He still carried the suitcase of money and grasped desperately at it as the force of the landing forced it to fly free of his grasp.

"My money!" howled Shinji, clawing at the air like a Cthulu. "_Nooo_!"

The notes fluttered away on the breeze like a fanfic writer's hopes and dreams of ever making it into real print.

The gargantuan penguin strode into the heart of Tokyo-3, clutching a screaming Shinji Ikari in its flipper, knocking over buildings and swatting aside helicopters like The Bachelor disposing of potential wives.

*          *            *

"Is that what I think it is?" queried Asuka warily to Hikari.

Hikari was still a little disoriented from the events of the past few days, and frowned as a hallucinogenic vision of a studly yak seated on a Harley Davidson danced before her eyes. The animal revved the bike and beckoned for her to climb on behind it. "First," she said carefully, "you tell me what you see."

"A giant Pen-Pen climbing a skyscraper and holding Shinji, whose trousers have turned brown."

"No," snapped Hikari, relieved. "That's just crazy." The class rep turned away to go and flirt with the biker yak that was still smirking at her from the depths of her delusion.

"Well, it's happening," Asuka insisted.

The yak vanished. "Damn," cursed Hikari.

"You can say that again," murmured Kensuke, whipping his head back and forwards, trying to watch both the ascent of Pen-Pen and Touji's constant mutation.

"The helicopters are coming," pointed out Rei quietly.

"And firing at Pen-Pen," added Asuka.

"And now he's falling," continued Hikari, shielding her eyes.

"Right here," finished Kensuke.

The four of them stared at one another and blinked as Meemits and clones screamed and fled for their lives.

*          *            *

"I see," Ritsuko said icily. "You have an explanation for the penguin, the clones, the aliens, the psychic mutations and Aida acting normal. And you expect me to believe this?"

"Shinji, Asuka, Rei, Touji, Kensuke, Hikari and Pen-Pen are all sitting in the infirmary," said Misato wearily. She had bags under her eyes; if she had sat in an aeroplane the stewardesses would have asked her to put them in the overhead compartments. "They'll tell you the full story."

The doctor marched down the bland, white corridors of NERV, towing the mentally exhausted Major along behind her. When she stopped at her office door, Ritsuko had to wait patiently while Misato treated her to an impromptu performance of respiratory harmonics, puffing and wheezing as she fought to catch her breath.

Once Katsuragi had achieved satisfactory control of her lungs, the doctor slammed her fist down onto the button and her door hissed open. They were all there: Shinji with new trousers on; Asuka, not wearing her military fatigues; Rei minus her army of clones; Touji, with no sign of any tentacles; Kensuke, still looking as smooth as ever in his red leather jacket; Hikari, still licking her lips over the thought of the hallucinogenic yak; and a regular-sized Pen-Pen. They all stared up at her.

"Right," demanded Misato. "Tell Ritsuko exactly what you told me."

"Hang on," said Ritsuko. "Maya!" she snapped at the office in general.

"Yyyyyyes, sempai?" Maya replied sweetly, sliding up to Ritsuko's side seemingly from nowhere.

"This is important, Maya. Make sure you take it all down."

"Of course, sempai."

"And Maya?"

"Yes, sempai?"

"Put some clothes on. You're naked."

"Of… course, sempai. I hadn't noticed."

"And one other thing?"

"Anything for you, sempai."

"Go away."

"Right, sempai," Maya snapped, twirling about and stalking disgruntled from the room, her bare feet slapping the floor.

As Maya left, a battered Ryouji Kaji staggered inside, a slight frown etched on his features, as if he wasn't quite sure what he had seen. He leaned back, to look out down the corridor where Maya had gone.

"Kaji!" snapped Misato. "What're you doing?"

"Well," Kaji said with his usual sloppy smile. "Thereby hangs a tale. See, I was in the NERV officer's toilet, and guess what I found? The Commander's log!" He fell about laughing.

"Kaji, your pants are on backwards and your breath stinks of whiskey," Misato pointed out. "And you have lipstick stains all down your neck. Plus you smell of cheap perfume."

"Do not," said Kaji airily.

"He's off his nut," Ritsuko observed. "I have something for that."

She mixed up a brew at her Tiny Tot's Mad Scientist Set and said, "Here, drink this. Vitamins and hormones."

"What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?" Misato asked curiously.

"You can't hear a vitamin," replied Kaji knowingly.

"All that aside," Ritsuko said irritably. "I'm still waiting with bad breath to hear this story of yours."

"You mean _bated_ breath."

"Whatever. Spit it out, Shinji."

"Well," the Third Child began hesitantly. "I was being carried by Pen-Pen…" here the penguin glared up at him hatefully, "… when Touji had a gigantic mutation. I mean, he rose like ten stories in this gigantic big spike shape, and he was swaying around everywhere…"

"Mmm," Touji agreed.

"Yeah. Then Pen-Pen lost his grip," Asuka butted in. "And fell."

"He landed right… on… Touji."

Ritsuko stared. "You mean…"

"Yes," Shinji said carefully. "Before he could change his shape, Touji went right… er…"

"Up," said Rei.

"Yeah… _up_… Pen-Pen."

"Oh," Ritsuko said carefully.

The penguin shuddered visibly and its flippers went instinctively to its feathered anus, which was visibly throbbing. Touji shifted uncomfortably on his seat, not meeting the bird's eye. He still smelled faintly of stale bird droppings.

"So…" Dr Akagi paused uncertainly. "Then what happened?"

"Pen-Pen puked. Big time." Hikari coughed nervously. "I mean, he puked his guts up."

"That is why he is small again," Rei interjected in her soft voice.

"And Touji was what _got_ puked up. He was back to normal."

"Just like that?" Ritsuko asked incredulously.

"Passing through the lower bowels of an arctic waterfowl is a stressful experience and not one that I would wish on anyone," Touji said indignantly. "Be glad I just lost my psychic powers and not my mind."

"I… see." The blonde scientist turned to her purple-haired minion for help, but she was busy crossly pushing Kaji away.

"I can't, Kaji. There's… someone else," Misato was saying.

"Not another lampshade," the spy grumbled.

"You never said what happened to the…clones." Ritsuko frowned, turning back to the Children and the children.

"Suzahara absorbed them all," replied Rei, staring at the scientist with unblinking scarlet eyes. "There are none left."

"Were they really clones?" asked Shinji curiously. "I mean, could we really do that?"

"Of course not," said Rei and Ritsuko at the same time. They looked at one another. "It must have been… a fluke," said Ritsuko.

"Yes," said Rei.

"Like the metal dragon that ate Solejski."

"Yes."

Ritsuko sighed and collapsed onto the couch, wondering when this madness would end. Asuka took advantage of the situation and turned on the television. An image of herself on the news appeared, marching alongside a column of Meemits, machineguns firing.

"Hey, it's me," the redhead exclaimed.

"What happened to all those little grey things, anyway?" Ritsuko frowned.

The group watched the screen as Asuka climbed atop a pile of burning cars crying, "Meemits of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains!"

The miniscule aliens fired guns and cheered at the proclamation.

"Oh, I'm sure they're still around," Asuka replied carelessly. "Like any good revolutionary force, they've been trained to go underground when something unexpected happens."

*          *            *

Bobby LeMora gleefully rubbed his filthy hands together.

"We," he said smugly, "are going to make _you _a star. That bum Aida and whoever that other guy was don't even compare to you."

Mimo grinned in anticipation, giving the thumbs up to LeMora's new film crew, who were all small, round and grey-skinned.

*          *            *

"You know," frowned Kensuke, "I haven't heard anything from my employer. I wonder if I'm still on the payroll."

"Are you still mad at me?" Touji asked.

"Nah."

"Me neither."

Hikari and Shinji yanked their friends back before they could kiss.

"I wasn't going to," grumbled Touji.

Shinji turned to Hikari. "Push Kensuke back in case Touji tries to poke him with his love-truncheon," he said.

"What a damned three days it's been," groaned Misato, rubbing her face wearily.

"And we can still look forward to going back to that scumhole apartment," added Shinji gloomily.

"You didn't make enough money to rebuild, I take it," queried Ritsuko.

"No, I got… mugged," Shinji muttered, glaring at Pen-Pen, who flipped him the metaphorical bird.

"What about you, Asuka?" asked Misato, cocking her head to the side. "You never ended up getting a job, did you?"

Visions of a patch of flaming rubble that had once been a very particular Burger King restaurant until it was hit by a Meemit anti-tank missile danced before Asuka's eyes. She sighed as she lovingly remembered the devastation she had caused, as well as the act of planting her former manager on the burger grill, showing him a new meaning for the words, 'hot cross buns.'

"No," she replied with a serene smile.

"Well, I don't have any money either," Misato grumbled. "I stayed home for the last few days. I kept hearing the strangest noises coming from the apartment…"

"Hey," said Asuka suddenly, jumping up.

"What?" said everyone excitedly.

She turned to Kensuke. "Did you say before that you have an employer?"

"Mmm." He glared at her suspiciously.

"So you have a job?"

"Well, not any more," he snapped. "I was only there for three days."

"How much money did you make?" the redhead demanded.

Kensuke lounged back with an easy smile. "Oh… somewhere around the vicinity of…_ four million_!" He burst out laughing.

Asuka's ensuing evil cackle sent icy shudders up and down the spines of everyone present. "I think I'll collect now," she said.

"Uh?" Kensuke's eyes went so narrow it would have been impossible to push a piece of horizontal paper through the gap between them.

"Remember back in chapter 1? We made a bet!"

"A… bet?" Kensuke whispered, turning white.

"Mmm-hmm. If you couldn't make me laugh, you owed me your wages for three days. Remember?"

"No," Kensuke lied desperately.

"Aida," ground out Asuka, her own eyes narrowing, "there's nothing that gets the blood pumping more than holding a nerd's head in your hands, staring into his eyes and watching the light fade from them as you tighten your grip on his neck…"

"Er…"

"She's serious," hissed Touji.

"I…"

"Aida. _Now_."

Weeping a million tears of sorrow, Kensuke Aida emptied his pockets and surrendered his money as per the bet. "One day, Sohryu, you'll pay," he ground out bitterly.

"And now I have the money to do it with," she replied sweetly. "You can go floss your teeth with my butt-hair, Aida."

Misato booted a groping Kaji heavily in the groin with her steel-tipped boots, causing him to hastily back off, bow-legged and wheezing. Smiling broadly, she yanked Shinji and Asuka into a hug. "Well, congratulations to both of you. It looks like we're going home."

*          *            *

With enough melodrama to make even Siskel and Ebert sick, it was raining as Shinji, Asuka, Rei, Touji, Kensuke and Hikari made their way across the concrete streets of Tokyo-3. Despite the weather, their hearts were free, like AIDS immunisations.

"So what happened to your getup?" Touji enquired of Kensuke as they stamped through the puddles.

Kensuke Aida bitterly pushed his black-rimmed glasses up his nose and wiped away a dribbling booger with his sleeve before hitching his trousers up even higher, oblivious to the long section of toilet paper that was stuck to his shoe and dragging along the ground.

"Had to sell it," he mumbled. "The bike too."

"How come?" asked Hikari.

Kensuke sighed. "My former employer had a lot of money invested in the… project I was involved in. When a stray missile destroyed the room holding all the tapes I'd made, he demanded compensation."

"That's too bad," Shinji told him sympathetically.

Kensuke shrugged sadly, then brightened. "Well, I may not have any coolness any more, but at least I have _Dungeons and Dragons_ role-playing! Who wants to review my Half-Orc Berserker, Gromlish?"

"No thanks," everyone said in perfect, hasty unison.

"What did you do at that film studio, anyway?" asked Touji as Kensuke disappointedly replaced his _D & D _attributes sheet.

When Kensuke looked at him, his eyes were filled with a terrible sadness and longing. "Nothing…" he sighed, and turned away.

Touji shrugged nonchalantly. "Okay."

The group reached an intersection.

"Well, this is where we part ways," Touji said.

"What're you guys doing now?" asked Shinji.

Hikari turned and grabbed a startled Touji by the lapels. "Now," she snarled, "it is time for the post-adventure hot lovin'. If this scum can handle it, that is…"

"Yes, Mistress Horaki," gasped Touji, stumbling as he was dragged roughly down the street.

"That's right!" came Hikari's voice as the pair of them slowly faded in the haze of rain. "Now, whose wrath do you fear?"

"_Yours_, Mistress Horaki!"

Kensuke coughed lightly. "Well," he said.

"Yes," Shinji replied quickly.

"We'd better be off, too," Asuka added, grabbing Shinji and pulling him away.

As the two pilots left, Kensuke glanced over at Rei, who was in turn looking at her watch.

_Go for it, tiger, _Kensuke told himself. _She's a loser, just like you. Go, you fool._

"Rei…" Kensuke began.

Suddenly, a bright red Ferrari pulled up to the curb and with a screeching of tyres, sprayed Kensuke with gutter water.

"Hey, Rei," called a good-looking young man from inside. "You ready?"

"Yes," Rei said solemnly, and opened the passenger side door before climbing in, much to Aida's disbelief.

They sped off without another word, leaving Kensuke Aida standing alone, dripping wet and smelling of stale faeces and cheese snacks.

"Well," he sighed. "Looks like I'm alone again tonight." He brightened suddenly. "Alone, that is, apart from… myself."

Whistling a merry tune, the biggest nerd in the universe headed home with a skip in his step at anticipation of twanging the wire.

*          *            *

Thus, all that remained was to hook up Shinji and Asuka in a bad WAFF scene.

"baka shinji" said Asuak she was mad.

"DAmn I hate it when shes like this but i sort of dont" thought Shinji to himself.

SLAP!!!!! "Ow!" yelled Shinji

"Tha'ts what you get for being a baka!" told Asuka.

"Oh, for God's sake," grumbled Shinji. "Let's not do that any more."

"Right," agreed Asuka. "Every time I read that kind of writing I feel like gouging my eyes out."

Amidst the hissing of the falling rain, Shinji Ikari and Asuka Langley Sohryu gazed at each other under the faint, warm glow of the streetlight that dispelled the darkness around them.

"Asuka…" murmured Shinji.

"Y… yes?" replied the redhead hesitantly.

"I… I know that it's been hard. For both of us. B-but…"

"I… I know, Shinji. It's all right."

"Huh?"

"It's… all right," Asuka whispered, leaning in close.

Shinji gazed at her, reflecting how her much her wet locks looked like nose hair after a sneeze. "I know, Asuka. I know."

Fade up, music.

Their lips met for the briefest of moments that seemed like eternity for the two of them before Asuka pulled away. "Asuka," Shinji murmured.

"I'm so sick of melodrama," said the redhead with a sigh.

"I thought it was okay," protested Shinji mildly.

"Knock it off, Third Child," retorted Asuka. "If I want your opinion I'll give it to you. That scene was utterly clichéd."

"But it's practically a requisite these days," sighed Shinji. "Oh well."

"Mmm."

"Well, I'd have to say that this is one of the most screwed up adventures we've ever been in. It was completely incomprehensible and made very little sense at all."

"Fits right into the _Evangelion_ theme, then, doesn't it?"

"I guess," pondered Shinji. "After all, all's well that end's well."

"Yeah. They even got the bullet out of Rei's bum-bum."

"And you believe me now that excitement follows me around, right?"

"Ha!" Asuka chortled. "In a word, no. Tell me a joke."

"Er…"

"_Now_."

"Well… um… there was a bear and a rabbit in the woods. Um. Doing a… er… you know…"

"Pooh," Asuka said impatiently.

"Right," Shinji said hurriedly. "They were doing a pooh together. And the bear says to the rabbit, 'Do you ever find that the, um, pooh sticks to your fur?' And the rabbit says, 'No.' So, um, the bear picks up the rabbit and uses it to wipe his, er...um..."

Asuka glared at him.

"I could tell you another one," Shinji offered weakly.

"You know," sighed Asuka. "I really can't think of any more funny similes or metaphors to finish this conversation with. So I'm just going to say a real one, okay? _The Ass Loaded With Gold Still Eats Thistles_."

"Okay, Asuka. Now _that_ was puerile."

***          *            ***

One more final…

Pen-Pen, failed drug lord and easily defeated giant monster, had escaped the confines of the newly rebuilt Katsuragi apartment as Misato had invited Kaji over to 'study' and between them they were making more noise than a goth metal band at a Feminist meeting. The penguin was seated on the grass behind the building.

A groan caught his attention from a nearby bush. Curious, Pen-Pen wandered over and found… Ryouji Kaji, squatting down low and heaving.

"Ohh," he moaned as he caught the penguin's eye. "Misato isn't letting me use the toilet. That woman gets so kinky sometimes."

Pen-Pen shrugged.

"By the way," Kaji began innocently, "do you find that pooh sticks to your feathers?"

Pen-Pen shook his head.

"Good," said Kaji.

THE END 

______________________________________

Hot buttah! That's the end, no more. Next up from me is a more serious one focussing on the Children being kidnapped. It's already under production and I'm pretty happy with it so far. It's called _Absolute Terror Field_, which I'm sure has already been taken by another fic, and if not… consider it copyrighted. Er, to GAINAX. You'll see it at a later date. Maybe the Evas themselves will actually make an appearance.

I hope you liked the story. I tried to make it funny. I tried to make it weird, too. I don't know why, but, well, that's why I'm called Renegade. I am a _maverick_. I won't be constrained by society's rules, friends, I live by my own.

Spank you, and good night.

RENEGADE

=The Underground Empire=   May Odd Grant Us Strength 

Disclaimer: I do not own GAINAX or Evangelion. However, I _do _own a Sony Playstation 2, a $300 leather jacket, a Warhammer Bretonnian army, a Warhammer 40,000 Space Marines army, an _official_ England World Cup soccer shirt, several DVD's, an impressive collection of movie tickets and a really cool soccer ball. Seeking Australian girl with same interests.


End file.
